Gentle Transitions Workshop as presented at the INA Conference
May 2012
www.nannytransitions.com
You can find books about
being a nanny,what a nanny needs to know,
how to hire a nanny but you can’t find a book that
tells a nanny how to heal her broken heart when she either outgrows or her job
, or the job ends.
The subject of leaving a family, and the grief that
follows, is a topic that very few nannies or parents have a desire to talk
about.
There are many things that make our profession unique
but the one thing that sets it apart from all the rest is the fact that we come
into a family, we play an integral part of loving and caring for, and helping
to raise their children, and our reward for a job well done is to move on.
I once heard someone say that
a nanny comes when you think you need her least, and leaves when you need her
most. There is a truthful irony about nannies which is:
If we do our job and do it
well, we work ourselves out of a job.One of the hardest aspects of the nanny
profession is that no matter how hard you work, or how well you do your job, it
is inevitable that your job will come to an end.
As nannies it is our job to teach the
children in our care not to need us.
Our challenge is to convince ourselves that
we don’t need them.
Sometimes you can plan for
those endings and sometimes they come unexpectedly.
Jobs end for lots of reasons:
Children grow up
Children grow up
Parent loses job and has to
downsize
Parents find alternative care
that is cheaper
Nannies find jobs that pay
more
Parent and nanny no longer
agree on lots of issues
In a perfect world a parent
and a nanny can sit down and talk about the upcoming transition and plan for it
together.
Realistically, this is not
always possible.
The new person is starting,
your new job needs you sooner or the money for the parents to keep you there is
just not available.
Even when you are trying to
work together to make it a good parting, it often ends badly.
If the nanny chooses to
leave:
sometimes the parents can feel hurt or betrayed,
sometimes the parents can feel hurt or betrayed,
If the parent decides to end
the relationship:
sometimes the nanny can feel hurt or betrayed,
but no matter who chooses to end the relationship, it is always highly emotional and difficult especially for the nanny and the child who form very close bonds.
sometimes the nanny can feel hurt or betrayed,
but no matter who chooses to end the relationship, it is always highly emotional and difficult especially for the nanny and the child who form very close bonds.
I have been with my current
family for 18 years. In that 18 years
there have been many ups and downs. The fact that I have been with this family
for this length of time is not because I am the perfect nanny. It is not
because they are perfect employers. It is not about money, it is not because we
never disagree, and it is not because everything is perfect.
It is because we are committed to this relationship of raising their children together.
It is because we are committed to this relationship of raising their children together.
As a nanny, this is a
commitment I made to this family the day I signed on with them. In the early
days of my employment, we discussed how my role would change as the years went
on and ideally how we would plan for that time. As time went on, it was an
ongoing discussion of how we both envisioned my role in the family for the
future. As nannies, it is part of our job, to plan for the end of the job.
Jobs end….and when they do….it hurts.
Jobs end….and when they do….it hurts.
If a job ends unexpectedly or
without warning it hurts even more. Whether you stay with a family for 6 months
or 6 years, you can’t help but fall in
love with the children.
If you can transition with a
family as your job changes it is helpful for all concerned but In most cases, that is not an option.
Like women who stay in bad
relationships, because a bad relationship is better than no relationship. Nannies
stay in bad jobs because moving on is out of their comfort zone.
If you are thinking about leaving your job it might be helpful to make
a list of the pros and cons of your job. Give them a point value and see which
side has the most value to you. This can be a helpful tool in making your
decision.
If you ask nannies who either
left jobs by mutual consent or left jobs that they have outgrown, they will
often tell you that they saw the signs, they just did not want to believe that
their job was coming to an end.
If you are unhappy in your job,
the chances are great that your employer is also unhappy.
If you are having issues on your
job, have you discussed it with your employer?
Being a parenting partner in a
family is very much like any relationship. Relationships can not grow, they can
not solidify, nor can they survive if you do not have good Communication.
There are lots of ways to
communicate: Daily logs, phone calls, weekly meetings, email or a combination
of these.
The bottom line is that if you are not using any of these, you can’t expect your job to last long term.
The bottom line is that if you are not using any of these, you can’t expect your job to last long term.
More than once I have talked to nannies who
say they are unhappy in their jobs. Once they decide to start looking for a new
job on the internet, they are completely SHOCKED to find their job being
advertised online.
When you are unhappy in your job…..Your
employer is probably unhappy with you.
If the writing is on the
wall, you need to read it and heed it.
If you don’t, you might find
that your employers will make that decision for you. It is much better for you
to choose to leave, than to be told the job is over.
When it is your decision, it
is still difficult, but you will feel more in control having made the decision
than having the decision made for you.
From the day you begin a job,
you are in transition, it’s especially true if you start with a newborn. You
come from the newborn that sleeps all day, to the creeper on the move, to the
toddler that never stops, to preschool, to school.
If you are more aware of these transitions, you will be better prepared for them.
We are going to talk about 5 Specific areas of Transition today.
If you are more aware of these transitions, you will be better prepared for them.
We are going to talk about 5 Specific areas of Transition today.
The Life Cycle of a Nanny Job
Signs a Job is Coming to an
End
How to Prepare the Children
Taking Care of Yourself
Moving Forward.
You may not realize it but
there is actually a Life Cycle to a nanny job.
When my friend Marcia Hall read my Nanny Transitions workshop she
suggested that defining the Life Cycle
of a Nanny Job might be helpful to nannies so that they can recognize the
different changes as they come. Marcia and I put together a rough draft of the Life Cycle of a Nanny Job.
We wanted to give you a brief overview of what that Life Cycle looks like so that you can think about where you are in your job.
We wanted to give you a brief overview of what that Life Cycle looks like so that you can think about where you are in your job.
Nanny Job Life
Cycle –
Interview Process:
It is up to you to define the kind of job you want:
What kind of family you want to work for and what ages do you want to work with?
How long the family anticipates needing you and do you want a short term job or a long term commitment?
How do you define a long term commitment? ( 2-5 years) (5-10 years) (10+ years)
You Are Hired!!
When you are hired everything is new. The family may still be adjusting to a new baby in the house or just adjusting to a new person working in their home. You are adjusting to the way their household operates.
At this point you should have a signed work agreement.
(For your own protection don’t start a new job without one)
Honeymoon
The Honeymoon is when the kids and parents are basically in love with you. Professional nannies are usually extra energetic and on top of things, trying to set a great example and get noticed. Things are wonderful - everyone is generally following through on the “promises” made through written work agreements and even following through on verbal agreements
The Honeymoon is when the kids and parents are basically in love with you. Professional nannies are usually extra energetic and on top of things, trying to set a great example and get noticed. Things are wonderful - everyone is generally following through on the “promises” made through written work agreements and even following through on verbal agreements
First
Year
The first year is when everyone starts to settle in and get comfortable. There will most likely be some (issues) – not normally big ones, but some small misunderstandings and disagreements. These might result from things that were not clear in your work agreement or unexpected things that pop up.
It is essential that you establish good communication techniques from the beginning so that you can find positive, workable solutions.
At the end of the first year, be sure to ask for a one year evaluation.
The first year is when everyone starts to settle in and get comfortable. There will most likely be some (issues) – not normally big ones, but some small misunderstandings and disagreements. These might result from things that were not clear in your work agreement or unexpected things that pop up.
It is essential that you establish good communication techniques from the beginning so that you can find positive, workable solutions.
At the end of the first year, be sure to ask for a one year evaluation.
This
will say a lot about how the relationship will progress and also give you
insight into how your employers see you fitting into your role.
Getting Comfortable
When the honeymoon phase is over and you get through the first year, everyone will begin to get comfortable. Both parties may begin to “bend” on some of the agreements made. Schedules will change, more trust is developing so more freedom from the parents might be given and more flexibility and sacrifice might be offered by the nanny.
By this point you should have experienced some
of the bigger issues like either party getting stuck in traffic and being a few
minutes late. Sick days, extra vacation etc.
Conflicts
During the 2-5 year period you will mostly likely experience at least one major conflict. It will be at this point that both nanny and parents will be evaluating the relationship and if it should continue. The outcome will be determined by the temperament and desires of both parties. It is not unusual for a large conflict to end a relationship. Sometimes when these conflicts begin to happen frequently it might be a good idea to consider ending the relationship.
Remember: Not all nanny positions are meant to last 25 years. Even if in the beginning, if your employers told you they wanted you to stay forever, life happens. Things changes and the best of intentions don’t always work out. Some relationships just need to be over. The nanny may not be willing or able to deal with the issues that are brought up and the family might not see any value in continuing the relationship either.
During the 2-5 year period you will mostly likely experience at least one major conflict. It will be at this point that both nanny and parents will be evaluating the relationship and if it should continue. The outcome will be determined by the temperament and desires of both parties. It is not unusual for a large conflict to end a relationship. Sometimes when these conflicts begin to happen frequently it might be a good idea to consider ending the relationship.
Remember: Not all nanny positions are meant to last 25 years. Even if in the beginning, if your employers told you they wanted you to stay forever, life happens. Things changes and the best of intentions don’t always work out. Some relationships just need to be over. The nanny may not be willing or able to deal with the issues that are brought up and the family might not see any value in continuing the relationship either.
Again,
if you have developed good communication with your employers from the beginning
you might find ways to continue on but if you find yourself constantly
complaining, finding fault with everything your employers do or say, it is
probably time to move on. A successful employer employee requires mutual
respect.
Long term position
Once the nanny and parents understand that they have been able to make it through trials and conflicts and are committed to continue for the long haul you have a long term position.
Like any good relationship, communication is strong and problems are worked through to a mutually agreeable solution.
Some families (especially if they have no extended family where they live) might need the nanny to stay even when the children go to school full time. They might find that it is conducive to have someone that picks the children up for after school activities or be available to care for sick children or provide care on days when the children don’t have school.
The parents might realize that what they pay the nanny to be available is worth the investment.
Once the nanny and parents understand that they have been able to make it through trials and conflicts and are committed to continue for the long haul you have a long term position.
Like any good relationship, communication is strong and problems are worked through to a mutually agreeable solution.
Some families (especially if they have no extended family where they live) might need the nanny to stay even when the children go to school full time. They might find that it is conducive to have someone that picks the children up for after school activities or be available to care for sick children or provide care on days when the children don’t have school.
The parents might realize that what they pay the nanny to be available is worth the investment.
However, it is also possible that at this
point the job becomes a part time position. Some of this depends on the nanny
and whether or not she is willing to go with the flow and ride the waves of
change.
Sometimes
if the nanny needs full time work she might find a part time job in the morning
with another family or in some cases the parents might even help her secure
another part time job so that she can continue on with their family.
Transitioning to “house-manager?”
It
is at this point that nanny needs to decide if she wants to transition to
“Household Manager” and do the parents want her to transition to that role? You
might have already seen some of these changes when the children went to pre
school but taking on the job of Household manager involves much more than
picking up the dry cleaning and going to the grocery store.
It is crucial to always be in communication
about the changes and direction of what your job is. Even in long term
positions there comes a time when things will have to change.
This is where you will find the Nanny Transitions Workshop helpful.
This is where you will find the Nanny Transitions Workshop helpful.
So, to better prepare yourself, it is smart for you
to know what the Warning signs are that a job is coming to an end
Signs a Job is Ending
How
do you know when the writing is on the wall?
I
asked nannies online what are the signals
that it is time to move on and here are their top responses:
1.
When
you stop communicating.
2.
When
the parents stop trying to be respectful or accommodating to your needs.
3.
When
the parents start to take on responsibilities that used to be yours.
4.
When
everything is an issue and you feel like you can’t do anything right.
5.
When
everything is an issue “for” you and you feel like the parents can’t do
anything right.
6.
When
the parents don’t back you up even after a discussion on the importance of
doing so. For example:
*You tell your charge no TV while eating breakfast but you walk in every morning to the TV on and the kids eating breakfast in front of it.
*You tell your charge no TV while eating breakfast but you walk in every morning to the TV on and the kids eating breakfast in front of it.
7.
Your
paycheck bounces.
8.
Lack
of respect.
9.
Your
employer belittles you in front of others.
10.
Parents
correct you in front of the children.
11.
Parents
disagree with everything you say.
12.
When
you start the day and wish it was already over.
13.
When
you dread going to work.
14.
When
your employer avoids you.
15.
When
you avoid your employer.
16.
When
the parents stop responding enthusiastically to plans you have made or things
you have done.
17.
When your employer asks you to
return all credit cards etc. in an effort to use only cash to better track
expenses.
18.
You stop having regular meetings.
19.
Your
employers start going back on promises that they made you.
20.
You don’t get a raise.
21.
When you are asked to make
unusual concessions.
22.
You feel like you are walking on
eggshells.
23.
The children have outgrown your
level of expertise.
24.
Mysterious
phone calls or messages.
25.
A
general feeling of being left out of the loop.
If you are seeing any of
those signs in your job, it’s a good bet that changes are coming.
©GP Nanny
Transitions
www.nannytransitions.com
www.nannytransitions.com
Once the decision is made by one or both parties that is time for the nanny to move on, emotions are high.
One of the things that nannies yearn
for at this point in the transition is validation that they have done a great
job. At a time when the nanny wants the parents
to say "You are so wonderful, how will we ever live without you?" the
parents actions are saying "We are going to be just fine without you
here."
It is very important to remember that this is not the time you are going to be validated
for a job well done.
First of all, you
aren't gone yet....how can they miss you?
Secondly, if you look at this situation
from the parents perspective, their goal at
this point in time is to send their children a very strong message that
"it's all going to be ok" Most of us work for very strong, very
intelligent, successful families and at this point in time, they want their
children to know above all else, it will all be fine.
Even though this may feel insulting to
you at the time, you have to remember, these are
not your children and their parents will be caring for them long after you are
gone and it is still our responsibility to set the example for them, and to
help them believe that it will be ok. Remember that you are a
professional and that teaching these children how to say goodbye, is one of the
most important life lessons they will learn.
Since emotions are running rampant at
this point, the best thing that all of you can do is focus on the children and
helping them get through this situation.
©GP Nanny Transitions
www.nannytransitions.com
How do you prepare the
children?
First and foremost, the nanny and the parents need to
discuss who will tell the children, when they will be told and whether or not
the nanny will be present. They should also discuss what they will tell the
children so that they present a unified front.
Here
are ways that you can prepare the children that will also help you prepare
yourself.
- Educate
children from the day you begin caring for them, so that they understand
that you will always love them and they will always be in your heart, but
you will not always be there on a daily basis.
- It
is important that they understand that you are there to do a job and when
you leave, it is not because of anything that they did wrong.
- Make sure that if you are still going to
be able to see them, that they know that.
- If
you will still be having visits with them, it is a good idea to set up a
future visit and mark it on the calendar so they understand that they will
see you again.
- If
you are moving away, leave them your picture, your new phone number, your
email address and a way to get in touch with you.
- Give
them certificates that recognize how much they have grown and what they
have learned.
- Make a picture album together
- Transition with the new
nanny if at all possible.
- Make friends with the new
nanny.
- Speak
positively about the new nanny.
You can say things like “You and ----- are going to have so much fun together. Did you know that she can …………..
- If you accept the new nanny, it gives your
charge permission to accept them too.
- Never promise to stay forever
- When they are old enough to understand, talk about
past charges...Like, "When I was Ellie's Nanny we used to go to this
park too"
- If your current charges see you keeping in touch with
your past charges you can use that to teach them that at some point you
will be needed to help another family just as you moved on to help
them.
- Adopt a
natural circle of life philosophy.
- Point
out when their friends change nannies.
- Remind
them that they will always have their parents to care for them.
- Don't lie to them.
- Make sure that
they know it is nothing they have done.
- If the children are old enough, share with them when you go on an interview. Tell them about the kids you met and what they thought and if they had things in common. This makes them feel like more of the transition process.
- Speak in a positive way about the good things that are
to come.
- If mom will now be at home, try to help them see how
much fun that will be.
- Set up emails and show them how to email you and
remind them that you can stay in touch via email. If they text you can
send them short text messages.
- If they are old enough to be on Facebook and it’s ok
with them (and their parents) you can “friend” them but be careful not to
embarrass them in front of their friends.
- If there are special traditions they want to carry on,
try to do that for them.
- One nanny said that her charge was going to miss her Rice Krispie
Treats - so she taught her how to make them her “special way”
- Make
an extra effort to remember their birthdays and Holidays
- Have
a special picture made together
- Talk about the great memories.
Remember
that you are the adult in this situation and always take the high road.
©GP Nanny Transitions
www.nannytransitions.com
www.nannytransitions.com
Often
times when nannies see the writing on the wall, they go into the first stage of
grief.
1.
The first stage of grief is denial.
If I pretend
this is not happening it won’t be, and I won’t have to figure out what to do or how to
find a new job or most importantly, how to leave these children that I love so
much.
2.
Then comes Anger “After all I have done for this
family I can’t believe that they treat me like this!
Then comes
3.
bargaining If I can just
focus on the children it will be ok.
Then
you move on:
You either
realize that loving the
children is not enough and that you have no choice but to move on, or
the parents let you go and the decision is beyond your control.
This
is the time that you sink into that dark hole of sadness and pain. 4. Depression
You
know that you have to make important decisions but you just can’t find the
energy. It is hard to get from one minute to the next and impossible to think
of your life in terms of tomorrow, much less the future. This is also the time
when you might say to yourself, I will never be a nanny again, this is just too
painful.
Acceptance Eventually you are forced to accept that the job is
ending and you need to decide what to do next.
Sometimes,
even when a job ends, it
is still hard to move on to the stage of acceptance. Sometimes not being
able to accept that loss contributes to not being happy or successful in our
next position.
Change is always difficult and it is
always an adjustment when you change jobs.
Oftentimes, when nannies change jobs, if they are a live in nanny, they also
change their place to live.
It
is also harder for a nanny because unlike a job where you work in a factory, or
sit at a desk all day our
job elicits emotions of love, compassion, caring and tenderness.
How do you just turn those feelings off
when the job ends?
So when we leave a job, we also
have to deal with an end or a change to a relationship.
It’s easy to say that this is a part of our job and that saying
goodbye goes with the territory. It’s easy to say that we “just have to be
professional” about it. It’s easy to say “ You just focus on the positive and
move on”
It
just is not “EASY” to do.
When you are going through the process of grieving, it is important to have a good support system in place to help you stay focused and help you deal with your emotions.
Grieving is a process that you have to work through in your own time on
your own schedule. Let yourself feel, let yourself hurt, let yourself cry, and then most importantly
Let
yourself heal.
When
we have to say goodbye, for whatever reason, we often feel betrayed by the parents
who entrusted us to love and care for their children.
It
is hard to be rational with a broken heart but it is very important to accept what you can not change
and look to your future..
In
Merle Shain’s book “Hearts that We Broke Long Ago” she said:
“ People do not usually set out to hurt you, but sometimes you get in
the way of what they want or what they need.
If
you stop and think about that statement, there is a lot of truth to it.
When
that family hired you, they
did not say, let’s hire a nanny, keep her until she gets attached to the children, and then
let her go.
It is just a natural process of our job.
Sometimes
when a job is ending, the parents
feel emotional too. If the nanny makes the choice to leave, the parents might feel rejected,
and think “What did we do to make her want to leave us”
At a
time when they might want to say “We don’t’ know how we can live without you, their actions might say “We
couldn’t care less that you are leaving”
Sometimes
it is hard for parents to
admit what an important part of your life they are, and if the parents
are letting the nanny go they might try to send the message that they will be just fine without her.
When
both sides are sending such confusing
messages it is helpful to focus on the children and what is best for them.
It
also helps to focus on the
good times you have had with this family and the happy memories you will take with you.
At a
time when it is easier to
see the negative, try to remember the great experiences you had, the opportunities you were
offered and what you learned from the time you spent there.
We usually learn more from the hard
times in our lives than we do from the happy times.
If a
position is ending badly, and you wish that you could pour your heart out to
the family, you might try just writing a letter to get your feelings out on
paper. You don’t have to mail it but just writing your thoughts down might be
helpful in processing all the emotion you are feeling.
When
you allow yourself to
forgive, you can move
forward but until you can forgive (Whether it is for treating you badly, or
letting you go, or keeping
you from their children) you can never truly move forward and you can never truly begin to
heal.
If
you choose to hold on to
the wrong that was done to you, you choose to drag a heavy load around with you
and it will weigh you down and hold you back. It will also keep you in the pain
.
Dealing with the pain is not something
that is going to go away in a week or month or even years. .
Children grow up in spite of us, whether we are there, or not. I sometimes find
myself looking at old pictures or videos of my charges when they were little I
truly miss them being at those stages of their life but I also enjoy seeing
them grow up and learn and
know that I have had a part of all of that.
If you are leaving a family on good terms it
is important for you to talk about how you are going to deal with telling the children.
Who is going to tell them, what
they will be told and whether or not you will be a part of that.
The
nanny should never tell a
child she is leaving without the parents ok, and she should never tell the child that
the parents are making her leave or firing her.
Even
though you might be hurt
or angry, you should always take the high road as you transition to the final
days in this position.
You will never be sorry you took the
high road, but you may regret it if you
take the low road.
THE STAGES OF RECOVERY
·
Recovering from a loss takes place in three distinct--yet
overlapping--stages.
·
They are
o
shock/denial/numbness
o
fear/anger/depression
o
understanding/acceptance/moving
on
·
Each stage of recovery is
o
necessary
o
natural
o
a part of the healing
process
Having said all of that,
sometimes, the pain is more than we can bear alone.
·
If you think you need help, don't hesitate. Get it at
once.
·
If you are
feeling suicidal--or even think you might be feeling suicidal--call
a Suicide Prevention Hotline at once.
·
You should also
seek help at once if you:
o
feel you are
"coming apart"
o
are no longer in
control
o
are about to take
an action you may later regret
o
have a history of
emotional disturbance
o
turn to alcohol,
drugs or other addictive substances in time of need
o
feel isolated
with no one to turn to
o
repeatedly find
yourself in loss situations
Sometimes, we all need a little bit of extra help to get through a
really difficult time. It is nothing to be embarrassed about.
©GP Nanny Transitions
www.nannytransitions.com
Dealing
with a personal crisis such as losing your job is never easy. The fact that we
as nannies have an emotional bond of love to the children that we care for
makes this even more difficult.
We aren’t just
dealing with the loss of a a job, but the loss of a personal relationship and
so often we don’t just lose our job and move on...we grieve the loss of the
daily contact and connection with the children in our care.
There is truly no easy way to get through this kind of loss but there are some things that we can do that will prepare us when the time comes.
1. Avoid the Blame Game: Don’t blame yourself, don’t blame your employers. It’s not productive, it’s not healthy and it doesn’t solve anything.
2. Avoid trying to figure out why it happened or what you could have done to fix it. Nanny jobs end.
3. Don’t try to keep a stiff upper lip. Leaving a family hurts! So in the appropriate setting you need to cry, scream, hit a pillow, whatever you need to do to get those feelings of sadness and grief out, you need to do it. And once you do it, you need to move on. If you find yourself in that place where you need to keep doing it, set aside time. If you want to have a pity party, it can only last 20 minutes. When it’s over, you are done. After a couple of times, you will hopefully find that it’s not productive and you move on.
4. Move forward. Move on with your life. Make a plan. What are you going to do next? What does your dream job look like? What would you like to do on your next job that you couldn’t do in the last one? Don’t look back. Break down the next steps into small acheiveable tasks. Going out and finding a new job tomorrow feels overwhelming. Start with something small.Find and update your resume’. Make sure your references are up to date and let them know that you are looking for employment, and be sure they are still fine being a reference.
One step at a time, one day at a time, one hour at a time, and sometimes even one minute at a time.
Try to do at least one positive thing toward your job search everyday. More if you can manage it but if you can’t do more than one, just commit to doing one.
Find support. Whether you reach out through an online network, your local nanny support group or just a friend, find someone that can offer you help, encouragement and a listening ear.
Take care of YOU! It is so important to love yourself during this time. You may not have a lot of money to do go out and buy clothes or get mani pedis but you can still love yourself. Buy a new nailpolish and do your own mani, or buy a new lipstick, sometimes the little things can be just as important as the big ones.
Eat healthy. Don’t use this time to binge eat or abuse alcohol.
I once had a friend who lost his job and went out and spent money on a mountain bike. He said “Now I know that sounds crazy, but the money that I spent on that bike would probably only pay one or two bills, but that mountain bike will help me stay in shape and gain some enjoyment while I am looking for a job.
So don’t get so stressed about money that you forget to take some time to enjoy life.
Try to learn something from this experience. It’s not healthy to try and blame yourself for what went wrong, but to think about what you have learned from this experience will help you not to repeat mistakes with the next family. Sometimes nannies go through family after family and just repeat the same mistakes. Turn this into something positive. Make it a learning experience.
©GP Nanny Transitions
www.nannytransitions.com
There is truly no easy way to get through this kind of loss but there are some things that we can do that will prepare us when the time comes.
1. Avoid the Blame Game: Don’t blame yourself, don’t blame your employers. It’s not productive, it’s not healthy and it doesn’t solve anything.
2. Avoid trying to figure out why it happened or what you could have done to fix it. Nanny jobs end.
3. Don’t try to keep a stiff upper lip. Leaving a family hurts! So in the appropriate setting you need to cry, scream, hit a pillow, whatever you need to do to get those feelings of sadness and grief out, you need to do it. And once you do it, you need to move on. If you find yourself in that place where you need to keep doing it, set aside time. If you want to have a pity party, it can only last 20 minutes. When it’s over, you are done. After a couple of times, you will hopefully find that it’s not productive and you move on.
4. Move forward. Move on with your life. Make a plan. What are you going to do next? What does your dream job look like? What would you like to do on your next job that you couldn’t do in the last one? Don’t look back. Break down the next steps into small acheiveable tasks. Going out and finding a new job tomorrow feels overwhelming. Start with something small.Find and update your resume’. Make sure your references are up to date and let them know that you are looking for employment, and be sure they are still fine being a reference.
One step at a time, one day at a time, one hour at a time, and sometimes even one minute at a time.
Try to do at least one positive thing toward your job search everyday. More if you can manage it but if you can’t do more than one, just commit to doing one.
Find support. Whether you reach out through an online network, your local nanny support group or just a friend, find someone that can offer you help, encouragement and a listening ear.
Take care of YOU! It is so important to love yourself during this time. You may not have a lot of money to do go out and buy clothes or get mani pedis but you can still love yourself. Buy a new nailpolish and do your own mani, or buy a new lipstick, sometimes the little things can be just as important as the big ones.
Eat healthy. Don’t use this time to binge eat or abuse alcohol.
I once had a friend who lost his job and went out and spent money on a mountain bike. He said “Now I know that sounds crazy, but the money that I spent on that bike would probably only pay one or two bills, but that mountain bike will help me stay in shape and gain some enjoyment while I am looking for a job.
So don’t get so stressed about money that you forget to take some time to enjoy life.
Try to learn something from this experience. It’s not healthy to try and blame yourself for what went wrong, but to think about what you have learned from this experience will help you not to repeat mistakes with the next family. Sometimes nannies go through family after family and just repeat the same mistakes. Turn this into something positive. Make it a learning experience.
©GP Nanny Transitions
www.nannytransitions.com
I want to leave you with a few more tips:
Maintain Contact.
If at all possible, take some time for yourself to re-energize and clear your head. Try to avoid leaving a job on Friday and starting a new one on Monday. Even if you can only manage 2 or 3 days, take a break.
Maintain Contact.
If at all possible, take some time for yourself to re-energize and clear your head. Try to avoid leaving a job on Friday and starting a new one on Monday. Even if you can only manage 2 or 3 days, take a break.
Allow yourself to grieve. You have loved and cared for these children. You have a right to be sad, you have a right to feel a great loss and you need to grieve.
If you are moving away, you can send cards, or letters, or email.
Many nannies say that this is what helped them the most.
Save some money out of your paycheck every week so that you don’t end up leaving a job with no prospects in sight and no money in the bank.
Take lots of pictures so that you will always be able to go back and look at them.
Make sure the children understand that it is not their fault and it is not that parents fault that this is happening.
Make sure that they understand that you will still love them and that they will be in your heart and you will be in theirs always.
Have your picture taken together so they will have a visual memory of you with them.
Keep one for yourself.
Talk about the fun times you have had with them.
Try to focus on the positive even the last few days.
Make a memory book with them or for them (Make one for yourself too)
Have a special song that they can sing when they miss you, and tell them when they sing it, know that you will be thinking of them too. (You could also do this with a book)
Keep in touch with them. In the beginning this is crucial for all of you. As time goes by, it will get easier.
Help them set up email accounts.
Remember that the love you gave to these children is something no one else could have ever given them, and no one else can take away.
Remember that a good nanny always works herself out of a job.
Remember that these are not your children, and eventually you will have to leave.
Teach them that you have come to do a job, and your job is to love them and care for them and teach them to be independent.
Help them to understand that you will not be there forever but you will always be in their lives and you will always love them.
Remember that time is a great healer.
Remember that as nannies our job is to help give them roots, and those roots will always be there.
Remember that you are a better person for loving them, as hard as it is to let them go.
Keep your correspondence and actions with your employers as professional as possible up to the last day of employment. It is tempting to reciprocate "ugliness" or "rudeness" with the same behavior, but do not allow yourself to do that.
Maintain your professionalism.
Give your employers as much notice as possible in order to help them find another nanny
You could also provide them with lists from local sources and names of several people that have expressed an interest in the position.
If you will be in the same area, make friends with the new nanny.
If you like and respect the person who comes after you, it
will help you to know that those children are in good loving hands.
Remember that recovery from grief and loss is a zigzag. You will have good days and bad days especially in the beginning.
Let go of your pain and anger.
Keep a journal
If the children are older you might consider getting a journal that you send back and forth to each other.
Remember that love looks forward.
Believe that what happens is what is meant to be, and there is another wonderful family out there just waiting for you to come and be a part of their lives too.
When you start to interview again, don’t try to compare one family to another family. There is no way to measure one family against another.
Don’t hold back on your love. As painful as the end can be, remember what you learned from these children and how much you gained from the time you spent with them.
"The roots of love sink down and deep and strike out far, and they are arteries that feed our lives, so we must see that they get the water and sun they need so they can nourish us. And when you put something good into the world, something good comes back to you (Merle Shain)
I would like to leave you with one final thought from the movie “Hope Floats”
Beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad. The best part is in the middle and hope floats. You just have to wait for it to rise.
If you have questions, or need support feel free to email nannytransitions(at)gmail(dot)com
©Glenda Propst/ Nanny Transitions
www.nannytransitions.com
