You Love Them for a Lifetime

Today is August 5, 2017.

It’s a beautiful morning. The sun is shining, there are no clouds in the sky and there’s a gentle breeze blowing through the air. I’m sitting on the porch with my coffee thinking of all I have to be grateful for ….and then I feel it.  I feel his presence with me.
My mind goes back to another beautiful morning in June.
Terry was at the lake. I came back from my walk, looked at my phone and saw I had a text from my former boss, still my friend, Lisa. I texted her back and said I would call her in a few, she texted me back and said she couldn’t talk but she would call me soon. I texted her back ( don’t you love this age of technology?) and said I had a coaching call at 9 so I only had a small window of time.

I was so happy that morning. I had big plans for my day and I was ready  to conquer the world after getting in 4 laps around the subdivision .......and then the phone rang.
It was Terry. He said “Honey, I have some really bad news” Nothing could have prepared me for what he said next. His voice cracked and he could barely say the words “Casey was killed in a bike race this weekend”…………..and the world started to spin, and my heart started to race and everything started to close in. I couldn’t find words. I had to know more….and I had to be alone and quiet.
He went on ….”Lisa is on her way down to be with you because she doesn’t want you to be alone”
We hung up, I looked online at the paper and there was the story. I looked on Facebook and there were the postings on his page. I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t imagine a world without Casey in it.
Casey (29) was my youngest charge in the first family that I nannied for. I was with him the first 6 years of his life and even after the job ended he was a ring bearer in my wedding and still a very important part of my life.Terry and I still saw him on a regular basis until he became a teenager.
 I hadn’t seen him in awhile  but we were Facebook friends and I kept in touch, we chatted a couple of times a year and I kept up with all his stories of cycling and his life with his soulmate Maria.
Molly was his sister and I usually never said just Molly, it was always Molly and Casey. They were as close as a brother and sister could be. Always rooting for each other, always supporting each other where ever they went, what ever they did.

I called Lisa and asked her not to come. I wanted to be alone. (I’m funny like that) I needed to process this loss. I spent my day looking at Facebook postings from all the people who loved and adored Casey.
He was so kind, he was such a gentlemen, he was always doing something for someone else, he was kind, he was patient, he was modest….he was so loved and he is so missed.
I went through pictures and thought about all the funny stories I had about him in my head and I cried a river of tears.
It’s been 6 weeks now and I still cry every day. It’s still the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think about every night. When you are a nanny, you love and care for someone else’s child.
You only have them for a season but you love them for a lifetime.
One of the things that I am most proud of in my career as a nanny is that I developed a course called Nanny Transitions where I help support and guide nannies through the pain of leaving a family.
Leaving Molly and Casey was why I developed this course. It was so painful to leave them after 8 years that I didn’t know how to deal with my grief. As I worked through it all I developed a workshop to help other nannies....it is my labor of love to my industry……but nothing ever prepared me for this.
Sometimes I struggle with my grief and I feel guilty about grieving or I feel like I don’t have the right to grieve….but my nanny’s heart tells me I do.
As a nanny, I have always tried to reach out and support and encourage nannies who are going through hard times but of all the thousands of nannies that I know, only one has reached out to me to see how I am, to see how I am doing and that makes this hurt even more.
I put a post on Facebook and lots of people posted and supported me. It gave me hope that I would have support through this, but a few days after this happened I posted on facebook about my hurting heart and even nannies who knew of my loss, asked me why I was sad. It was so painful that I deleted the post. It made the pain hurt, even more, to think that the only people I thought could understand my grief……………….didn’t.

So…I’m trying so hard here, to deal with the grief of losing this man who was not my son. I didn’t know him well as a man, but as a child, as a curly red-haired boy I knew him so well and loved him so much and you don’t just stop loving them when the job is over. There is no expiration date on love.

I’m grateful for my husband’s love and support through this time. He knows me so well and he sees how much I am hurting. He spends extra time with me and understands that his very independent wife can’t be alone right now.
I’m moving slowly through this grief and I know it will be here for a long time… I know it will change and shift and the day will come when I don’t wake up crying.
I also know that grief has its own timetable.
I don’t understand why Casey had to go but I will learn the lessons of his life. Casey was an Eagle Scout and he lived by the Scout Law. I will try to do the same. It is the best way to honor him.
I carry him with me now and sometimes in the quiet moments of a gentle breeze  I feel him with me and I know that he is at peace. I hope I always do.
Ride on Casey…..you are forever in my heart.
Caseys family has now formed a non-profit organization in his memory.
I hope you will visit and consider supporting https://www.belikecasey.org/

When Your Employers Face a Crisis by Deborah Brown

Even the most seasoned nanny can be at a loss for what to do when her nanny family is in crisis.
My dear friend and colleague Deborah Brown shares practical and helpful advice that can be applied to lots of different situations.

When Your Employers Face a Crisis

Deborah Brown

As a nanny, you are present when your employers celebrate and when they mourn. When our employers face a crisis, whether it is the death of a family member, a divorce, or the loss of a pregnancy, we want to help. But often, we are not sure how we can best show our love and support during the most difficult times “our families” go through.
In my opinion and experience, a nanny's relationship with her employers gives her clues as to how to help after a loss. If a family is generally very private, they may have no wish to share more than basic info with their nanny. A more open family may be more likely to tell nanny exactly what is happening, and ask for her help as needed.
There are several things a nanny can do regardless of her level of emotional intimacy with the family. First and foremost, find out what language is being used to tell the existing children about the loss, and stick to that script regardless of personal beliefs. Ask if parents want children's questions directed to them, or if you are free to answer based on the script you have been given.
Second, do all you can to keep life as routine and normal as possible for the children. There may be a lot of people in and out, a lot of bereavement gifts, a lot of emotional upheaval going on all around the kids, and having nanny be their steady support is essential.
Third, ask what you can do when it comes to visitors, gifts, and other issues that pop up. Does your family want you to screen visitors, or do they want to see anyone who comes by? Do they want to be the ones to answer the door for gift deliveries, or do they want you to handle that when possible? Tell them you are happy to handle whatever they would like you to handle, and follow their lead.
Fourth, ask what they want you to say to your nanny circle and to their neighbors, then follow their wishes. If a crisis is changing the family structure, or if a pregnancy loss means multiple people will be asking you how the pregnancy is going, have a simple answer ready to share, and then direct the people asking for further information to your employers. Be discreet, and if anyone continues to press you for information, a simple, "I'm sorry, but I can't really speak to that issue. If you need to know about XYZ, you'll have to ask my employers. I know you understand!" tends to stop persistent questioners in their tracks.
And finally, don’t forget to take care of yourself during times like these. Find someone who will listen when you want to talk about what is happening, and find ways to practice self-care, whether that means a massage, a manicure, additional time at the gym, or carving out time to relax during the most hectic weeks.
Nannies want to take care of those we know and care for, and when our employers suffer a loss, that instinct kicks in full speed. The best thing to do is remember that your role is to offer support as needed and requested, and to act according to established family/nanny dynamics. You can respect privacy while offering help and support, but you don't want to cross any boundaries that cannot be put back into place.


About the Author: Deborah has worked as a nanny in the Atlanta area since 1993. She most enjoys working with new parents, and often stays with families until all of the children have started to attend school. Deborah is also the Executive Director of Metro Atlanta Nannies, a social and educational support group established in 2004 that is open to all local nannies. Find out more information about Metro Atlanta Nannies at http://metroatlantanannies.webs.com/, or by searching for them on Facebook.