Lessons in Grieving

Lessons in Grieving 

Today, marks the one year anniversary of the day the world lost Casey.

Casey was the youngest and only boy in my first nanny family. I was with him from the day he was born until he was 6 years old. Casey was in my wedding on June 22, 1996. He drug my current charge down the aisle. I am so glad that I did not know then, that 21 years and 3 days later at the age of 29, he would leave this earth.
This last year has been a hard one for me, but I know that as hard as it has been for me, it can’t compare to the loss his parents, his sisters, his soul mate Maria and the rest of his friends and family feel every day.
When you are a nanny, and you work with a wonderful family, one of the things that happens is that you get to be someone who frequently swoops in and makes things better. You juggle schedules, you come to work early, you stay late, you work an extra weekend and your employers come to think of you as their own personal hero. Time after time, you get to “save the day” And when you work for an amazing family, it is always noticed and appreciated.
One of the hardest things about this tragic loss for me was that there was absolutely nothing I could do to fix it. I didn’t get to swoop in with a solution, or extra hours or a brilliant idea. All I could do was send them love.
This loss rocked my world in a way nothing ever has. It continues to rock my world on a daily basis but, I have learned some important lessons and I want to share them with you.
I wrote about this last August, how a nanny’s love has no expiration date. You can read it here;

http://www.nannytransitions.com/2017/08/you-love-them-for-lifetime.html

The love we have for the children we have cared for, doesn’t ever go away. Sometimes we are lucky and we get to have them in our lives, but sometimes we only get to have them in our heart. We have them for a season, we love them for a lifetime.
I wrote about how I didn’t know how to grieve this loss and I also said that I was hurt and disappointed that only 2 of my friends had continued to reach out to me as I grieved this loss. After I wrote that post, I heard from a number of nannies who checked in on me and said they were sorry they had not supported me but the message I got over and over was this one.
“We thought you were ok. You didn’t say anything, and we just thought you were ok”
So…I learned an important lesson that I want to share with you.
Grieving people hurt. They hurt every day. They wake up hurting and they go to bed hurting and they hurt when they wake up at 2 AM and can’t go back to sleep.
They might talk about it and then get quiet, and you might think they are ok, but when people don’t talk about the pain, that is the time you should worry. Grief has no timetable. Long after everyone else goes back to their normal life…grief lingers.

When people get quiet, it usually means they aren’t dealing with the pain well.
Even the strongest people need love and support. Don’t assume. Strong people are used to dealing with their own stuff, but some things are just too hard to bear alone. When you know someone is going through a hard time, a simple phone call, a card, a thinking of you text is always a good thing to do. You never know the difference it will make.

I didn’t talk about it, I kept it all inside and pretended to fine…until I wasn’t and I couldn’t. I am better now but today is going to be a hard day, for me and a lot of people I love. I hope you will keep us all in your thoughts and prayers. I hope you will text me or message me and just let me know you are thinking of me but more importantly….
In honor and memory of Casey and the amazing human he grew up to be, I would like for you to eat an OREO (his favorite cookie) and do a random act of kindness today.

Putting love out into the world is the best way I know to honor Casey’s memory.

His family also has started a foundation in his name. If you feel inclined to a make donation to belikecasey.org that would be wonderful too, but most importantly…just be kind and compassionate and extend a little grace to everyone you meet today.
I know Casey would love that.

When Your Employers Face a Crisis by Deborah Brown

Even the most seasoned nanny can be at a loss for what to do when her nanny family is in crisis.
My dear friend and colleague Deborah Brown shares practical and helpful advice that can be applied to lots of different situations.

When Your Employers Face a Crisis

Deborah Brown

As a nanny, you are present when your employers celebrate and when they mourn. When our employers face a crisis, whether it is the death of a family member, a divorce, or the loss of a pregnancy, we want to help. But often, we are not sure how we can best show our love and support during the most difficult times “our families” go through.
In my opinion and experience, a nanny's relationship with her employers gives her clues as to how to help after a loss. If a family is generally very private, they may have no wish to share more than basic info with their nanny. A more open family may be more likely to tell nanny exactly what is happening, and ask for her help as needed.
There are several things a nanny can do regardless of her level of emotional intimacy with the family. First and foremost, find out what language is being used to tell the existing children about the loss, and stick to that script regardless of personal beliefs. Ask if parents want children's questions directed to them, or if you are free to answer based on the script you have been given.
Second, do all you can to keep life as routine and normal as possible for the children. There may be a lot of people in and out, a lot of bereavement gifts, a lot of emotional upheaval going on all around the kids, and having nanny be their steady support is essential.
Third, ask what you can do when it comes to visitors, gifts, and other issues that pop up. Does your family want you to screen visitors, or do they want to see anyone who comes by? Do they want to be the ones to answer the door for gift deliveries, or do they want you to handle that when possible? Tell them you are happy to handle whatever they would like you to handle, and follow their lead.
Fourth, ask what they want you to say to your nanny circle and to their neighbors, then follow their wishes. If a crisis is changing the family structure, or if a pregnancy loss means multiple people will be asking you how the pregnancy is going, have a simple answer ready to share, and then direct the people asking for further information to your employers. Be discreet, and if anyone continues to press you for information, a simple, "I'm sorry, but I can't really speak to that issue. If you need to know about XYZ, you'll have to ask my employers. I know you understand!" tends to stop persistent questioners in their tracks.
And finally, don’t forget to take care of yourself during times like these. Find someone who will listen when you want to talk about what is happening, and find ways to practice self-care, whether that means a massage, a manicure, additional time at the gym, or carving out time to relax during the most hectic weeks.
Nannies want to take care of those we know and care for, and when our employers suffer a loss, that instinct kicks in full speed. The best thing to do is remember that your role is to offer support as needed and requested, and to act according to established family/nanny dynamics. You can respect privacy while offering help and support, but you don't want to cross any boundaries that cannot be put back into place.


About the Author: Deborah has worked as a nanny in the Atlanta area since 1993. She most enjoys working with new parents, and often stays with families until all of the children have started to attend school. Deborah is also the Executive Director of Metro Atlanta Nannies, a social and educational support group established in 2004 that is open to all local nannies. Find out more information about Metro Atlanta Nannies at http://metroatlantanannies.webs.com/, or by searching for them on Facebook.