What a Nanny Would Like on her Last Day with Your Family

I'm sharing this post again today because it's one of my favorites from Nanny Transitions.
Leaving a job is so hard, ending it on a positive note doesn't make the pain go away but it does make it easier to bear.I didn't write this post on my own, some very special nannies shared their hearts.


What a Nanny Would Like on her Last Day with Your Family

by Glenda Propst
(with help from  Keyanna, Kimberly Ann, Laura,and  Tara)

In a perfect world nanny jobs would last forever. A family would hire you when their children were born and would pay any amount of money to keep you until their children were grown.
In a perfect world all of our paychecks would be direct deposit. Every family would use a nanny tax company so that we never have to worry that our taxes are not being paid.
In a perfect world, even if that job ended, there would be a relationship that continued with you and the child for the rest of your lives.
In a perfect world if and when that job did end your employers would sit down with you, tell you how much they appreciated all that you did for their family, give you a glowing letter of recommendation and send you out the door with a sentimental and thoughtful gift to commemorate your years of working with them, and maybe even a nice cash bonus “just because”.
Sounds sort of like a fairy tale, doesn’t it?
As professional nannies there are some things that we know are guaranteed.
Most nanny jobs last 2-7 years, depending on whether or not there is more than one child in the family.
When we work for dual career families and one or both of them land their dream job it’s usually in another state and most of the time the nanny does not get to move with the family.
If a family begins to have financial issues we are the first thing to go.
We fall in love with the children in our care. We know that they are not our own. We know that they have parents that love them. We know that we are part of a parenting team, but we can not change their diapers, prepare their meals, clean their clothes, kiss their boo boos,and cheer them on through each developmental stage of their life, without falling in love with them.
Our job is demanding, unpredictable and often emotional.
Parents often wonder what they should do for their nanny who is leaving, or nannies who are leaving a family wonder what they should do with the children in their care on their last day.
I asked nannies who are in the process of leaving their job what their ideal last day would be like and to share with us what they wish their employers understood about their leaving. Here are some of their responses:

I would like for my last day to be all about spending time with the children. I would like a day stress free of errands and laundry and just time to focus on time with the children and making a few great memories.
I would like for my employers to look me in the eye, and say goodbye and let me know how much they appreciated me.
I would like to hear them say the words “We are really going to miss you!”
I would like the opportunity to tell them “Thank You!” for sharing your children with me, allowing me the opportunity to do what I love, the job that I am MEANT to do” Love and Care for children.

I wish the parents would talk about it with me instead of acting like it isn’t happening.
I’d like for them to ask me how my job hunt is going. Remind me that it’s not personal so that it doesn’t feel so personal.
I want the parents to reassure me that I will still be able to be a part of their children’s lives.
I wish they realized how much I love their children and the contribution I have made to their lives.
I would love a sappy heartfelt card expressing their appreciation for what I have given to their family.
I want my employers to realize that this is more than just a job for me, being part of their lives was a huge part of my life.
I wish my employers understood that my relationship with their children is not the same as theirs. Their children are losing an important person in their lives.  As a nanny, I can never replace a parent (nor would I ever want to) but honor and respect that I was important to their child so that we can all help each other through this.
Please don’t shut me out of your life. If your children ask about me, let them talk to me. Let me see them, let me have visits with them. While my pain is so fresh, please include me in their lives. You might miss my help, but they miss what I gave to them on a daily basis.
If I choose to leave, don’t take it as personal insult.
Please don’t use your child to get back at me because in the end, the person who gets hurt the most isn’t me, it’s your child.
Honor the relationship I have built with your child.
Validate the contribution that I have made to your life and to lives of your children.
Talk to me about what our relationship will be like after I leave your employment. Will I be allowed to see the children? Will you ask me to take care of the kids on weekends sometimes? Will our relationship change? Or will it simply end?
If you are a nanny “in transition” you probably echo these sentiments. If you are a parent who is losing a nanny, I hope that this article helps answer some of your questions about your nanny’s last days with your family.

I want to thank a very special group of women who are sharing the ups and downs of this loss and supporting each other throughout their transition. Special thanks to Keyanna, Kimberly Ann, Laura,and  Tara for your contributions to this article. If you are a nanny in transition and need support, email Nannytransitions(at)Gmail(dot)com

9 Days

So yesterday I said I had two weeks left on my job. I realized today that two weeks is only 10 work days. It mad me sad. I had a busy day with car issues and it helped take my mind off it until this evening.

M said to me see you tomorrow, I'll miss you.
I was thinking to myself she'll miss me?
I'll see her in less than 24 hours.
What will she do when she doesn't see me for days or weeks?
I don’t want this child to hurt. I spent the last 16 years making sure she didn't get hurt and now I’m going to be the cause of her pain. I know it is no ones fault and it is a natural end BUT it still is a fact she will hurt.
It will be because she misses me. It is terribly hard to take. In the beginning I’ll be seeing the kids about once a week or so. That will be super for them. After a bit I’ll extend it.
For now I need that for me as much as they do! Funny thing I said to one of my sisters-in-law how hard it will be and she said “Oh it will be good ….you are too attached to them." I was so angry.
Don’t tell me that!
It is the last thing I want to hear.
How would you like it if I told you that you had to stop seeing your kid’s everyday?
I didn't say it but I thought it... LOL. I know they are not my kids but my love for them is very deep and being told it's good to be ripped out of their day to day lives is the last thing I wanted to hear. Really..... I go back and forth. I know "my kids" will be alright in the end. Kids are strong. Lucky for me and them that they are not loosing me in their lives. Our relationship is just changing. That gives me some peace in it all.
9 work days left.. UGH

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It all starts with communication

I always say that my 24 years as a professional nanny have taught me a lot about being happy in my marriage. All good relationships thrive on good communication.
Communication is the foundation for a gentle transition so I want to share with you my Communication Article.

Employer/ Employee Communication by Glenda Propst

Good relationships must have a foundation. Communication is the foundation of a good employer/employee relationship. Communication begins with the first interview, and is an ongoing process between the nanny and the parents.

During the interview, expectations of both parties need to be clearly defined and understood.

¨ Guidelines regarding discipline must be established and agreed upon in the beginning, and they need to be refined and adjusted as the need arises.

¨ Consistency is crucial.

¨ Children need to know they can take you at your word.

¨ Children need limits. it is important for the nanny and the parents to present a united front. This means that if one of the parents has a problem with the way the nanny is disciplining, they will discuss it in private, not in front of the children.

Communication must be implemented into the daily schedule.

Some ways to do this :

¨ Notes

¨ Journals,

¨ Conversation,

¨ Phone calls throughout the day.

¨ Short talks (come 10 minutes early, stay IO minutes late)

¨ Dinner away from the house without the children (this is relaxing, non-threatening, neutral territory.

¨ Family meetings

Things to Remember:

¨ As nannies especially when we live in, we have a tendency to take everything personally.

¨ Try not take everything personally. Sometimes your employer is in a bad mood because he/she ( or they both) had a bad day, not because of something you did or did not do.

¨ Sometimes parents don't even realize that what they are doing is upsetting us.

¨ Don't assume your employer can read your mind.

¨ Say the words.

¨ Learn to stand up for yourself.

¨ When you finally have the opportunity to sit and talk to the parents about a concern or a problem, here are some suggestions for making the most of the opportunity.

¨ Be Prepared

¨ Learn to distinguish between what is important what is not important.

¨ Take time to prepare an agenda of what you want to talk about.

¨ Under each item make a list of the points you want to make.

¨ If you write it down, you will not forget anything.

¨ The other advantage to writing things down is that it sends a very clear message to your employers that his was important to you and you prepared for it.

¨ Try to balance the negative with the positive.

¨ Try to create win/win resolutions.

¨ If you present a problem, offer some solutions.

¨ Do not place blame.

¨ Keep in mind that if you have a concern or a problem it is not going to go away. You must learn to deal with it like an adult.( isn't that one of the very important character traits you are trying to teach your charges?)

If you have a difficult time learning how to communicate effectively, take an assertiveness training class. It will be worth the time and money and it will benefit you in every area of your life for years to come