How Do You Say Adieux in Nanny?

One way to deal with the emotions of leaving a family is to put your thoughts and feelings on paper. For those of you who don't enjoy writing I wanted to share with you another beautiful blog post about saying goodbye.If you are a nanny in transition that needs support, we have a wonderful group of nannies in transition that support each other through this process. If you are a nanny in transition, email nannytransitions(at)gmail(dot)come for more information.

Thank you Keyanna for sharing your heart with us today.

How Do You Say Adieux in Nanny?by Keyanna

For over a month I have been planning to post a blog about how I said goodbye to 4 of the most important people in my world. Scott & Kara- my employers and their amazing sons Syler & Jonah.As it turns out we survived the most emotional week together and no one even had to say goodbye!Kara and I share an affinity for love of a plan, organization, and the people that make these things possible in our collective world. Colonial Moving Van Lines is NOT on the list of those people. To make a very long, stressful, ridiculous story short- this moving company never showed up to move my Bugs and their parents across the country.Yes. You read that right. They just never arrived to pack, load, and ship the belongings of 4 people that paid them to do just that.I'm not good at finding the silver lining in things. I'm just too logical for that. I really need the lining to be pink if it's going to grab my attention... But this time around it found me.The original plan had the boys landing in California right about now to meet up with their Mom and Dad. The amended plan has all 4 of them still here in Columbia and this means that I get 5 extra days to figure out how to say goodbye. I will be hanging out with the Bugs a little bit each day next week while also picking up substantial part-time hours at GAP. (Which has always been my plan until I start FT with my new charges... They're infant twins and you will meet them later!)I have been trying to prepare myself to somehow part ways with the two little guys that I spend at least 45 hours a week with. We are the best of friends, if not by choice then by circumstance; although I like to think that given the option of Nannies the boys would pick me!As of late Jonah has not been pleased to see me at 8 AM, mostly because I always take his binky away and in his eyes, that's like high treason or something. I comforted myself by saying that maybe our separation would be easier with his being resistant to me recently, but by the afternoon he was snuggling and giving hugs and kisses- so that theory went out the window!So... how does a Nanny say goodbye?

Go to Keyanna's Blog to read the rest of her story.

1 Day left

1 day left
Today was a great day. I took the kids one by one and gave them their gifts. The moments were special and I'll treasure them forever. The kids LOVED everything. They thanked me. I held it together. I didn't cry. I got choked up a few times but I told them it wasn't a goodbye gift but an end to the everyday. I told them I'll still see them tons. They seemed to get it. Even the youngest. They expressed knowing that we will see each other often.
My family is taking me out tomorrow mb,db and the kids. They wont tell me where. They said it is a surprise. The kids also said they have a surprise for me. I HAVE no idea what it is. I dont love surprises but, Im rolling with it.
I feel surprisingly ok tonight. I am really happy with the job Ive done. My kids will be ok cause they know I love them. I know they know it. I know they know ill be in their lives. I know they know they can call me anytime. These things make it easier. I feel at peace with it tonight.

Im excited about our dinner and at first I was dreading it. But now i feel like we do deserve to celebrate something wonderful.
A life long friendship and almost 16 years of devotion to them. I have come a long way since just 10 days ago. I am not un realistic. I know that there will be more ups and downs in my feelings but today I feel ok and that is something.! :)

5 Days

5 work days till I leave my charges of almost 16 years.

This weekend I have a lot of down time and I’m a bit scared of it.

How will it be?

Will I be sad most of it?

I do have some fun stuff planned to. I am going to see my youngest charge on Sunday at her game. That will be nice. I may invite the kids to a drive in movie to Saturday. I'm going with family. These things give me peace. I see "my kids" a lot when I'm not on work duty so I keep telling myself how special things like that will be.
The last few night I have worked late. So weird to me that I am working late, doing all the things I always do like helping M clean her room, or helping K do homework and yet they will have to take it over in 5 short days. It’s crazy. Life goes on. I think that their summer will be fun.

Camps and hanging with friends. I think the hard part for my bosses will be the fall. That's when things kick into high gear.
I have been thinking how much should I see them when I go? Should there be a limit? If I want to see them a lot will people think I’m crazy? I don’t know. I love those kids and if they get" free sitting like someone said to me I really don’t care. I’m not seeing them to give a break to the parents I’m seeing them because I love them. That's it.
5 days to go...Oh boy............

9 Days

So yesterday I said I had two weeks left on my job. I realized today that two weeks is only 10 work days. It mad me sad. I had a busy day with car issues and it helped take my mind off it until this evening.

M said to me see you tomorrow, I'll miss you.
I was thinking to myself she'll miss me?
I'll see her in less than 24 hours.
What will she do when she doesn't see me for days or weeks?
I don’t want this child to hurt. I spent the last 16 years making sure she didn't get hurt and now I’m going to be the cause of her pain. I know it is no ones fault and it is a natural end BUT it still is a fact she will hurt.
It will be because she misses me. It is terribly hard to take. In the beginning I’ll be seeing the kids about once a week or so. That will be super for them. After a bit I’ll extend it.
For now I need that for me as much as they do! Funny thing I said to one of my sisters-in-law how hard it will be and she said “Oh it will be good ….you are too attached to them." I was so angry.
Don’t tell me that!
It is the last thing I want to hear.
How would you like it if I told you that you had to stop seeing your kid’s everyday?
I didn't say it but I thought it... LOL. I know they are not my kids but my love for them is very deep and being told it's good to be ripped out of their day to day lives is the last thing I wanted to hear. Really..... I go back and forth. I know "my kids" will be alright in the end. Kids are strong. Lucky for me and them that they are not loosing me in their lives. Our relationship is just changing. That gives me some peace in it all.
9 work days left.. UGH

remember to leave a comment for Jenn or a message of support to be entered into the "Like a Second Mother" book giveaway.

Leaving a family after 16 years

My friend Jenn will be leaving her job this week. She has been with her family for 16 years. Her kids are 16, 12 and 8. Since I have been with my family almost the same amount of time she and I have a very close bond.
She has been blogging her last 10 days to help her through the sadness(thanks to Buffi for a wonderful suggestion) and she will be sharing them here starting this week.
I hope that you will all offer her some support and ideas as she goes through this transition.
I will be putting all the postings of support and encouragement into a drawing for a copy of "Like a Second Mother" and the winner will be announced Sunday June 21.

If you have never read this book, here is Joyce Farmers' review of the book that was first published in the National Association of Nannies Newsletter.

"Like A Second Mother" by Barbara Blouin"

Books Fall Open. You Fall In." Do you remember that reading program slogan? I immediately fell deep into this book, and I will tell you why. As I read each story, I put myself in that nanny's place. I experienced each of them as fully as I could, based on the facts given. For some of the narratives, that meant reading between the lines because some stories were told by the nanny's charge.This book was published as a part of the Inheritance Project, an organized effort to explore the emotional and social impact of inherited wealth. It was written as an effort to acknowledge and honor the many caregivers who unstintingly gave their love and support to the children in their care. While written about people of wealth, it nevertheless holds the joys and frustrations of nannies everywhere.Like A Second Mother is a series of interviews of employers, nannies and charges. The beginning stories are of early nanny/housekeepers from the first half of the century. Others are mixed statements from employer, nanny, and charges. The end of the book contains more stories just by nanny. Some are definitely interviews, while others are beautifully descriptive stores by gifted nanny writers.It is hard to read about the earlier nanny/housekeepers because we want our profession to advance beyond the low pay/recognition into a respected and comfortable career choice. Efforts towards this goal made by NAN, agencies and others are discussed in the Introduction.I experienced some vertigo while reading some chapters, because there was so much between the lines. I realized (from my own job experiences) how the events described by employers would appear from the nanny's perspective. One story was written entirely about how nanny fit into the employer's life. A single line about nanny getting married made me realize that nanny had a whole complete life outside of this narrative. Nanny sustained this family, and at the same time (albeit invisibly?) provided for herself emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually.Common threads appear as you read along. It is disturbing to read of alcoholism, dysfunction, and abuse in wealthy families. It is difficult to glean how nanny succeeded in her work (at times, she didn't) while overcoming these obstacles. It is nearly inexplicable to read about how hundreds of thousands of dollars were spent on landscaping, only to read of the low weekly pay of the person whom those children totally depended on for their quality of life. I found myself counting the times in these stories where nanny was required to forgive and forget about class distinctions, cultural differences, and financial comparisons, in order to provide emotionally for these wealthy children.Love is the enduring theme in all these stories. While the parents shrugged off these issues, the charges struggle to reconcile the life they enjoyed "below-stairs" with nanny, versus the social life of wealth and privilege that they were expected to live "above-stairs." Charges often speak of the enjoyable warmth of the kitchen and caregivers, versus the cool reserve of parental social expectations.Nannies have "immense personal strength" but no material security, the apparent opposite of their charges. Our employers pay for our time and effort, but the love--freely given--cannot be purchased. In some of these stories by charges, they have tried to repay these invaluable gifts by honoring and caring for their caregivers during their later years.You have heard the saying that a picture is worth a thousand words. In this book, one line can equal a thousand words. It took me a long time to read this book, because I would continually have to stop on one of these lines. My heart would respond with joy or sorrow to these truths about nannies and the way we affect our charges' lives. I will share a few of these here, although most of their power is derived from the story that the statement is taken from.Nanny Ann: "Whatever you put out is what you get back." "You can change the world with being kind to people."Charge, Missy: "It feels real good to talk about her because I don't feel like I can give back enough what she gave to me."Charge, Tracy: "Nellie figured out ways to create a loving circle around her in the kitchen."Nanny Mildred: "I'm like a mother to those kids. I lived every day for them. I love 'em until death.Employer, Diana: "Susannah got a different kid of parenting for a few hours a day--a less analytical, less intellectual and maybe a more basic kind of parenting." "I know that Di loves my children totally and realistically, much in the way that a sister or grandmother would."Charge, Sylvia: "I would like to spare my kid what happens when a nanny leaves--because part of your childhood goes with her."Employer, Lois: "There was a group of kids for Holly to grow up with, and all the other children were being babysat by their babysitters. So Theresa provided Holly with a social life that was absolutely important to her. Holly made friends at the park, and they went to each other's houses all the time."When asked if she thought Holly was more attached to Theresa than to her (the mother), Lois said: "I thought she was attached to Theresa differently than she was attached to me."Nanny Catherine: "I love all three children. I measure my love for them by how much what they do and say can affect me." "The biggest drawback to this job is that nannies are not looked highly upon. With people I know, I speak up about that. But you can't really change people's opinions because they have to highly regard children in the first place in order to highly regard nannies."Nanny Patricia: "It almost saddened me to realize that Andrew would never be able to recall his own innocent moment, and that I would be the only person to tell him how tender and gentle he had been. What truly amazed me that day was a child's capacity to take an ordinary moment and make it something incredibly special."Employer, Kakie: A child's caregiver is part of your intimate life--like it or not. I think it calls for a lot of consciousness on both sides, and when you get a good fit, it can be so enriching. And when you don't get that fit, it can be so destructive."Nanny Maria: "Sometimes it was very intense: they need all your energy, and they can take it all."Employer, Wendy: "I also think it's very possible that Zoe bonded with Maria as well. Children bond to their mother and their father, so why can't they bond to mother and babysitter?"Each story in this book is worthy to be slowly absorbed on its own. The experiences of other nannies and how they handled common situations are a very important part of the networking foundation that is needed to help standardize our industry. There is definitely a need in the world today for books that present the nanny's view of the issues. Telling stories from the family's perspective can help nanny to understand both sides of the issue. This book does an outstanding job of trying to cover both of these perspectives. I would recommend this book for any nanny's library.

Working Together to Prepare the Children

In a perfect world a parent and a nanny can sit down and talk about the upcoming transition and plan for it together.
Realistically, this is not always possible.
If the new person is starting, or your new job needs you sooner or the money for the parents to keep you there is just not available it creates a stressful work environment.
Even when the nanny and the parents are trying to work together to make it a good parting, it often ends badly.

If the nanny chooses to leave:
sometimes the parents can feel hurt or betrayed,
If the parent decides to end the relationship:
sometimes the nanny can feel hurt or betrayed,
but no matter who chooses to end the relationship, it is always highly emotional and difficult especially for the nanny and the child who form very close bonds.
This is a time when emotions are running very high. One of the things that nannies yearn for at this point in the transition is validation that they have done a great job. At a time when the nanny wants the parents to say "You are so wonderful, how will we ever live without you?" the parents actions are saying "We are going to be just fine without you here."
It is very important to remember that this is not the time you are going to be validated for a job well done.
First of all, you aren't gone yet....how can they miss you?
Secondly, if you look at this situation from the parents perspective, their goal at this point in time is to send their children a very strong message that "it's all going to be ok" Most of us work for very strong, very intelligent, successful families and at this point in time, they want their children to know above all else, it will all be fine.
Even though this may feel insulting to you at the time, you have to remember, these are not your children and their parents will be caring for them long after you are gone and it is still our responsibility to set the example for them, and to help them believe that it will be ok. Remember that you are a professional and that teaching these children how to say goodbye, is one of the most important life lessons they will learn.

Since emotions are running rampant at this point, the best thing that all of you can do is focus on the children and helping them get through this situation.
I have created a tip sheet using information that I have gleaned over the years from other nannies on how to prepare the children.
How do you prepare the children?

First and foremost, the nanny and the parents need to discuss who will tell the children, when they will be told and whether or not the nanny will be present. They should also discuss what they will tell the children so that they present a unified front.

Here are ways that you can prepare the children that will also help you prepare yourself.

1. Educate children from the day you begin caring for them, so that they understand that you will always love them and they will always be in your heart, but you will not always be there on a daily basis.
2. It is important that they understand that you are there to do a job and when you leave, it is not because of anything that they did wrong.
3. Make sure that if you are still going to be able to see them, that they know that.
4. If you will still be having visits with them, it is a good idea to set up a future visit and mark it on the calendar so they understand that they will see you again.
5. If you are moving away, leave them your picture, your new phone number, your email address and a way to get in touch with you.
6. Give them certificates that recognize how much they have grown and what they have learned.
7. Make a picture album together
8. Transition with the new nanny if at all possible.
9. Make friends with the new nanny.
10. Speak positively about the new nanny.
You can say things like “You and ----- are going to have so much fun together. Did you know that she can …………..
11. If you accept the new nanny, it gives your child permission to accept them too.
12. Never promise to stay forever
13. When they are old enough to understand, talk about past charges...Like, "When I was E---'s Nanny we used to………..."
14. If your current charges see you keeping in touch with your past charges you can use that to teach them that at some point you will be needed to help another family just as you moved on to help them.
15. Adopt a natural circle of life philosophy.
16. Point out when their friends change nannies.
17. Always remind them that they will have their parents to care for them.
18. Don't lie to them.
19. Make sure that they know it is nothing they have done.
20. If the children are old enough, share with them when you go on an interview,and tell them about the kids you met and what they thought and if they had things in common. This makes them feel like more of the transition process.
21. Talk in a positive way about the good things that are to come. How you can come and visit them.
22. If mom will now be at home, try to help them see how much fun that will be.
23. Set up emails and I show them how to email you and remind them that you can 'talk' all the time via email and they can call and write.
24. If there are special traditions they want to carry on, try to do that for them.
25. One nanny said that her charge was going to miss her Rice Krispie Treats - so she taught her how to make them her “special way”
26. Make an extra effort to remember their birthdays and Holidays
27. Have a special picture made together
28. Talk about the great memories

Remember that you are the adult in this situation and always take the high road.

Gentle Transitions ©Glenda Propst 5/10/2009