Lessons in Grieving

Lessons in Grieving 

Today, marks the one year anniversary of the day the world lost Casey.

Casey was the youngest and only boy in my first nanny family. I was with him from the day he was born until he was 6 years old. Casey was in my wedding on June 22, 1996. He drug my current charge down the aisle. I am so glad that I did not know then, that 21 years and 3 days later at the age of 29, he would leave this earth.
This last year has been a hard one for me, but I know that as hard as it has been for me, it can’t compare to the loss his parents, his sisters, his soul mate Maria and the rest of his friends and family feel every day.
When you are a nanny, and you work with a wonderful family, one of the things that happens is that you get to be someone who frequently swoops in and makes things better. You juggle schedules, you come to work early, you stay late, you work an extra weekend and your employers come to think of you as their own personal hero. Time after time, you get to “save the day” And when you work for an amazing family, it is always noticed and appreciated.
One of the hardest things about this tragic loss for me was that there was absolutely nothing I could do to fix it. I didn’t get to swoop in with a solution, or extra hours or a brilliant idea. All I could do was send them love.
This loss rocked my world in a way nothing ever has. It continues to rock my world on a daily basis but, I have learned some important lessons and I want to share them with you.
I wrote about this last August, how a nanny’s love has no expiration date. You can read it here;

http://www.nannytransitions.com/2017/08/you-love-them-for-lifetime.html

The love we have for the children we have cared for, doesn’t ever go away. Sometimes we are lucky and we get to have them in our lives, but sometimes we only get to have them in our heart. We have them for a season, we love them for a lifetime.
I wrote about how I didn’t know how to grieve this loss and I also said that I was hurt and disappointed that only 2 of my friends had continued to reach out to me as I grieved this loss. After I wrote that post, I heard from a number of nannies who checked in on me and said they were sorry they had not supported me but the message I got over and over was this one.
“We thought you were ok. You didn’t say anything, and we just thought you were ok”
So…I learned an important lesson that I want to share with you.
Grieving people hurt. They hurt every day. They wake up hurting and they go to bed hurting and they hurt when they wake up at 2 AM and can’t go back to sleep.
They might talk about it and then get quiet, and you might think they are ok, but when people don’t talk about the pain, that is the time you should worry. Grief has no timetable. Long after everyone else goes back to their normal life…grief lingers.

When people get quiet, it usually means they aren’t dealing with the pain well.
Even the strongest people need love and support. Don’t assume. Strong people are used to dealing with their own stuff, but some things are just too hard to bear alone. When you know someone is going through a hard time, a simple phone call, a card, a thinking of you text is always a good thing to do. You never know the difference it will make.

I didn’t talk about it, I kept it all inside and pretended to fine…until I wasn’t and I couldn’t. I am better now but today is going to be a hard day, for me and a lot of people I love. I hope you will keep us all in your thoughts and prayers. I hope you will text me or message me and just let me know you are thinking of me but more importantly….
In honor and memory of Casey and the amazing human he grew up to be, I would like for you to eat an OREO (his favorite cookie) and do a random act of kindness today.

Putting love out into the world is the best way I know to honor Casey’s memory.

His family also has started a foundation in his name. If you feel inclined to a make donation to belikecasey.org that would be wonderful too, but most importantly…just be kind and compassionate and extend a little grace to everyone you meet today.
I know Casey would love that.

Touched by a Nanny: Nancy Kanouff

Touched by a Nanny named Nancy Kanouff

Submitted by Cheri Brown

I believe things happen for a reason. I bought something off a yard sale site that Nancy had posted , we were meant to meet. 
I had just left my nanny job of 4 years . It was a very stressful time. I had really only known a small handful of nannies and most of them were much younger than me. I can't even remember how the conversation came about but there we were both nannies and around the same age. 
She told me about her " Network" of close to 100 nannies(and growing) and asked me to join her Facebook group. 
What I didn't know was how many times I would lean on Nancy for support over the past couple years.  
Being a veteran nanny of 24 years I never knew what it could do to your day, your week, your job to have such an amazing support system. Thank you Nancy for your hard work, untold hours and dedication that you give the nanny community on a daily basis. You have truly made a difference in my life and the lives of many others.

Touched by a Nanny Kim Dillon

Submitted by Donna Robinson

Touched by Kim Dillon

In 2001 I became the traveling nanny.  I had no idea what I was doing--just an idea. I found the INA annual conference for 2002 and living in Florida, I decided to attend.  Sasha of Nannies and More called and asked if I would co-workshop with Kim Dillon on Alternative Careers for Nannies.  I was pretty scared as only in business for 6 months but figured I would just follow Kim’s lead!  It seems my quiet shy Kim was expecting same of me.  She was one of the first of her kind to take newborn care on the road and became my mentor.

She did more than encourage as she gave me jobs when she had to leave and they still needed someone.  It was terrifying to follow a nanny everyone loved!  She encouraged me to believe in myself and she was always a phone call away if I needed advice.  After the job, she would call me with feedback from the clients.  She never failed to make me feel good about myself.  Through the years she was my best cheerleader and to this day she watches over me and tries to help if I need work.

Fourteen years of friendship would be enough to qualify for Touched by a Nanny. But in 2010 she gave love a new meaning.  We had lost our son to cancer and we were just trying to survive emotionally.  You know that "face" you put on for the world?  Kim looked right past that and into my soul.  She was busy and didn't often have time off but she made a 3 day weekend possible to travel from Houston to Austin to see us.  I didn't feel I could handle a visitor but Kim pretended not to hear and came to help us heal.  I consider that the turning point of surviving grief.  She held me, let me cry and then would say “we need to go get some barbeque" and forced Jim and I to go out.  She would even make us smile at a time when laughter was not possible.  Her last day she pulled me aside and said "we need to take Jim to a movie.  We will let him pick one of those action movies.”  She told him we were all going to the movies as a treat from her.    She would not let us pay.  By the time we said goodbye, I felt like a tiny chip of pain had been erased.  Jim is not easily touched but as he held me that day, he said “you have a great friend.  She didn't have to do that..”

I was not just Touched by a Nanny, I was Healed by the Touch of a Nanny.  I love you Miss Kim!

Touched by a Nanny: Mallette Parry, Julie Martinson,Monica Schoenborn, Connie Wegner

TOUCHED BY A NANNY

(Submission from Becky Kavanagh)

Dedicated, nurturing and caring are attributes of nannies but nannies who reach out to their peers touching them with care, concern and tenderness demonstrates a love of the profession beyond the norm. Often they are unnoticed except by those that receive the gift they offer. Sometimes the gift is in the form of mentorship, other times it someone to listen and still other times it is someone who offers sage advice. They are givers to the core, extending their help into their local community and beyond.

Four women who I know come immediately to mind when I think of this type of individual. Although they each are leaders they are not seekers of notoriety or the spotlight. Since that’s the case I would like to shine some light on them. They have all contributed to the growth and maintenance of the local nanny group along with giving of their time to the larger community.

Julie Martinson, Mallette Parry, Monica Schoenborn and Connie Wegner are to be commended for their work in the local nanny industry. Julie and Mallette are two of the three founders of Twin Cities Professional Nannies (TCPN). Monica and Connie are long time members. All have served or are serving as leaders of the organization. I commend them for their dedication to strengthening the profession. Each of them has also given their time and talent to the larger community. But it is in taking the time to council and listen to fellow nannies where their true gifts lie. To share what you know so that others can grow is a gift beyond measure. These women do so quietly, confidentially and with wisdom. To be touched by these nannies is a gift unparalleled.

If there is a nanny you would you like to write about please email me
Nannytransitions(at)g(mail)dot(com)

My Biggest Challenge and How Nanny Transitions Helped Me by Lisa Willis

Here is the fourth in our series of the top 5 Scholarship Essays.
This one is by Lisa Willis.
She answers these 2 questions:


What has been your biggest challenge as you have gone through your job transition?

What has Nanny Transitions help you learn from it?

I think the biggest challenge has been to accept the change in circumstance in my life and nurture

myself. As a nanny I’ve always put others first without thinking about myself. Last year was full of

surprises; it’s been an emotional rollercoaster ride to say the least. In June I will be retiring as a nanny

due to an impending disability.

 I’m retiring sadly but not by choice. I was diagnosed with a hereditary degenerative eye disease over

11 years ago. My eye sight was stable for 10 years and Jan.2013 was the first sign of change and on May

1st of 2013 I was told I could no longer drive. My peripheral vision classifies me as legally blind but my

central vision in my left eye seems to be holding on for now. My current employers refused to let me

quit. I’m forever thankful for their trust in me and wanting to keep me on board for as long as possible.

We had to quickly brainstorm as you know driving is a major part of a nanny’s role. My awesome

husband quickly jumped in and became our “chauffer” and is now running his company at home (mostly

from our car, when we’re at play dates, school and other activities). My current family and I have come

to terms with the fact that our employment will end June 2014 due to my need to prepare and get ready

for what lays ahead. I won’t lie and say it’s been easy, at times I’m scared but I see it only as a change in

circumstances. I’m blessed to have the greatest husband on earth and I’m surrounded by an awesome

support team.

One of my main concerns is the impact this change will have on my charges. I have been with them for

3 ½ years. The family will be relocating as well, so they will have many changes happening at the same

time in June.

Nanny Transitions has been an amazing resource as no one knows what a nanny deals with as much

as another nanny. I was able to vent my worries about the kids and their future. Glenda gave me so

many good suggestions so many I couldn’t write them all down fast enough as we spoke on the phone.

She had so many great ideas for me to implement. Sharing and voicing my concerns and fears out loud

helped me to analyze and put into perspective what I can and can’t change or control. This really woke

me up to the fact that I need to make these last few months special and memorable for the kids. I feel

it’s also helped me be more present and intentional with everything I do and say with the kids on a daily

Glenda emailed me many resources to read and ponder on. She has a big heart and just talking with her

you can feel the love and passion she has for her fellow nannies or the Nanny Sisterhood as some call us.

I’ve been a nanny for fifteen wonderful years and will cherish all the memories for many years to come.

I’m learning to take it one day at a time.

Transitions by Marni Kent

Transitions by Marni Kent

Just like many of you, I myself have gone through transitions that have changed my life; personally and professionally.
When things like this happen I suppose the first thing to ask yourself is, what's the situation and why don't you think it can change? Sometimes things feel impossible but that's because we are depressed or too close to the situation to see clearly. There might be a solution if you can talk to someone about it; a friend, family member or someone who has been there like a peer.

Beyond that, how do you stay strong? Well, for most people it's really just a matter of getting through it. Getting up every day, eating, showering, going to work/school/whatever and coming home, sleeping and doing it all over again. That doesn't sound very helpful but that's how it generally is; life keeps going on no matter what and you go along with it and eventually some time has passed and things change or you don't feel as bad anymore. Some people find solace in religion or spirituality, some distract themselves with books and TV and friends, and some people can't enjoy anything so they just feel terrible all the time.
 If you're able to still enjoy things, try to spend as much time doing those things as possible, and wait it out. Nothing stays the same forever.

When I reached out to a friend/ peer when I was going through a difficult time in life (Glenda Propst the owner of Nanny Transitions) she gave me advice that at the moment did not fit all of what I was going through but on down the road it clicked.
Eventually I realized that there are some stages of transition that apply whether the transition is work or personal.
Over the last few years, I have found Nanny Transitions to be an amazing source not just for myself but for sharing with other nannies.
Nanny transitions helped me remember to ask myself these important questions.

What qualities do you have in your nanny career?
What characteristics do you possess that make you an excellent nanny?
What inherent attributes allow you to enjoy your job?
 Stop and think for a moment about what your employers like about you.
What do the children like about you?
What do other people like about you?
I want you to think about the answers to those questions and then I want you to think about the qualities you possess that resonate energy in all aspects of your life.

I am going to sponsor 3 Scholarships to the 2014 INA Conference.
Two scholarships will go to nannies who have never been to the INA Conference and one will go to a nanny who has attended a previous conference.
The scholarship recipients will be able to choose from 4 different topics to write their essays.
I will be sharing more details with you as the time gets closer but for now I would like for you to think about the first essay topic:
How has Nanny Transitions helped you through transitions in your job?

Stay tuned over the next few weeks and we will be sharing more information.
I am so excited to share this opportunity with you because both Nanny Transitions and INA mean a lot to me.
Marni Kent