When Your Employers Face a Crisis by Deborah Brown

Even the most seasoned nanny can be at a loss for what to do when her nanny family is in crisis.
My dear friend and colleague Deborah Brown shares practical and helpful advice that can be applied to lots of different situations.

When Your Employers Face a Crisis

Deborah Brown

As a nanny, you are present when your employers celebrate and when they mourn. When our employers face a crisis, whether it is the death of a family member, a divorce, or the loss of a pregnancy, we want to help. But often, we are not sure how we can best show our love and support during the most difficult times “our families” go through.
In my opinion and experience, a nanny's relationship with her employers gives her clues as to how to help after a loss. If a family is generally very private, they may have no wish to share more than basic info with their nanny. A more open family may be more likely to tell nanny exactly what is happening, and ask for her help as needed.
There are several things a nanny can do regardless of her level of emotional intimacy with the family. First and foremost, find out what language is being used to tell the existing children about the loss, and stick to that script regardless of personal beliefs. Ask if parents want children's questions directed to them, or if you are free to answer based on the script you have been given.
Second, do all you can to keep life as routine and normal as possible for the children. There may be a lot of people in and out, a lot of bereavement gifts, a lot of emotional upheaval going on all around the kids, and having nanny be their steady support is essential.
Third, ask what you can do when it comes to visitors, gifts, and other issues that pop up. Does your family want you to screen visitors, or do they want to see anyone who comes by? Do they want to be the ones to answer the door for gift deliveries, or do they want you to handle that when possible? Tell them you are happy to handle whatever they would like you to handle, and follow their lead.
Fourth, ask what they want you to say to your nanny circle and to their neighbors, then follow their wishes. If a crisis is changing the family structure, or if a pregnancy loss means multiple people will be asking you how the pregnancy is going, have a simple answer ready to share, and then direct the people asking for further information to your employers. Be discreet, and if anyone continues to press you for information, a simple, "I'm sorry, but I can't really speak to that issue. If you need to know about XYZ, you'll have to ask my employers. I know you understand!" tends to stop persistent questioners in their tracks.
And finally, don’t forget to take care of yourself during times like these. Find someone who will listen when you want to talk about what is happening, and find ways to practice self-care, whether that means a massage, a manicure, additional time at the gym, or carving out time to relax during the most hectic weeks.
Nannies want to take care of those we know and care for, and when our employers suffer a loss, that instinct kicks in full speed. The best thing to do is remember that your role is to offer support as needed and requested, and to act according to established family/nanny dynamics. You can respect privacy while offering help and support, but you don't want to cross any boundaries that cannot be put back into place.


About the Author: Deborah has worked as a nanny in the Atlanta area since 1993. She most enjoys working with new parents, and often stays with families until all of the children have started to attend school. Deborah is also the Executive Director of Metro Atlanta Nannies, a social and educational support group established in 2004 that is open to all local nannies. Find out more information about Metro Atlanta Nannies at http://metroatlantanannies.webs.com/, or by searching for them on Facebook.

                         

I'm Still Learning and I'm Still Growing

This post has been simmering inside of me for a while now.

In April of 2013 I was in Branson in one of my favorite shops and I happened upon this collection of wonderful canvas prints and notebooks and doorknob hangers and jewelry that had these beautiful messages on them about being brave and being strong and choosing happy. I loved the artwork and the colors and they had lots of birds and butterflies and I am a sucker for a whimsical bird or butterfly so I picked up several pieces of jewelry and some notebooks and doorknob hangers for gifts for special people when I went to INA (The International NannyAssociation Conference) in a few weeks.

I don’t know about you but when I buy something I love the first thing I do is find out if they have a website so I can go to their website and see what else they have that I need to buy as well. The name of the company was Brave Girls Club.

When I started to explore their website I discovered that they weren’t just another company out to make money, they were so much more. Their message and their motto was:

"We are on a wild and crazy mission to find all of the brave women of the world...to help them find each other...then to change the world with good news, good ideas, good people, and good times. "

I started to read their blog posts. Three in particular struck a chord with me. ( I will link several of them at the end of this post)

I signed up for the daily emails (you can do that on their site and they also have daily affirmation emails for teens and tweens) and I started to read everything I could find that Melody Ross and Kathy Wilkins wrote. (They are the sisters that started Brave Girls Club)
In July I read that they were going to be doing a special price on their online art and soul class called “Soul Restoration” In addition to that they were going to give away one free registration. All you had to do was post on their blog why you wanted to win. (I wanted to win because I was about to turn 60 and I wanted to approach my new decade with a positive mind and spirit)
Something happened to me as I sat and read the entries for why people wanted to win the registration. I read about women who were fighting cancer, women who struggled with mental and emotional illness, women who had just lost a child, women whose spouse was killed, women who were in true pain and suffering and I realized that not only could I not take away a chance for them to win that registration but I wanted to gift one of those women the Soul Restoration class.
So I contacted Brave Girls and told them what I wanted to do and they emailed me back with a lovely thank you email and told me we could do that.
And so we did.

If you have never gifted something to someone unexpectedly it’s hard to explain the happiness and joy that it brings to your heart but it’s a wonderful feeling and I loved doing it.
To my surprise, a few weeks later when the class started I found out that Brave Girls had gifted the class back to me. Now how cool is that? I was so excited and surprised about this that I could hardly contain my joy!
I had never taken an online class like this and I am definitely not an artist but I had decided I was going to do it anyway and make the best of it.
The class was called Soul Restoration and without going into all the details of the class I will tell you that not only was my soul restored, my life was forever changed. In this class I learned how to truly forgive myself for mistakes I made in the past, for regrets I had about how I handled certain situations in my life and choices that I made.
I also learned how to no longer dwell on the past and how to be happy in this moment.
No longer carrying those things around with me, made my load lighter, made my heart happier and I hope has made a visible difference that other people can notice.
In Soul Restoration I met some women that I became very good friends with. Women that have my back. It isn’t that I don’t have women like that in my life already but now I have a tribe of brave sisters  from all walks of life who give me words of encouragement and tell me “You got this and we got you”

You know how a really great book leaves you wanting more? Or how you savor the last bite of an amazing meal because you don’t want it to end? Well that’s how Soul Restoration was for me.

Brave Girls Club had a very special way of getting to the heart of your fears and I wanted more. I wanted to go to Brave Girls Camp!
 Brave Girls Camp was a 4 day retreat for women to do art and soul work with Melody and Kathy in their art barn and I knew that I wanted to experience that.
So Terry and I talked about it and I decided that June was the best time for me to go.

By the time June got here I was so excited and giddy I couldn’t stand it.
Our camp group had a facebook page, we had all done introductions and knew a little bit about each other and we were all incredibly excited about camp.
I left very early on Tuesday morning to fly to Minneapolis where I had to change planes to fly into Boise, ID.
I sat next to a very nice criminal attorney on my flight up. (Hopefully I will never need his services but we had a very nice chat)
When I arrived in Minneapolis I noticed on our camp groups facebook page that another woman on her way to camp was in the airport waiting for her plane. It suddenly dawned on me that she must be on my flight, I looked up and she was sitting right across from me. By the time we boarded the plane and were ready for take off we had connected with 2 more campers and I sat next to one on the flight to Boise.
We talked non stop for 4 hours.
Brave Girl Camp was beyond words. It was 4 days of whatever we wanted when ever we wanted or needed it. Fabulous food, incredible snacks, warm hospitality, great music, spontaneous dancing, art, soul searching and so much more.
It was 24 women who became instant friends and sisters. It was 24 women who didn’t snip or snap or act snarky or criticize each other or compare who had more money or a nicer house ….it was 24 women who laid open their souls for 4 days of personal growth……. and grow we did.

For me it was about reflecting on my journey as a nanny and on what my future will look like as my charges grow into adulthood and my job comes to an end. It was about learning to embrace the end of the journey and realize what an honor and a privilege it was to be part of this family for 21 years and to realize that we had done some great work together.

At Brave Girl Camp I realized that for me the best is yet to come. I don't know what my future holds but now I believe in my heart the best is ahead of me instead of behind me .

If I had to tell you 12 things that I have learned on this journey that you can apply in your life regardless of who you are or what you do I would say this:


1)Forgive: Even when your situation is difficult, try to forgive and try not to take it as a personal attack on you or on the person you are. Try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and remember that this is hard for them too even if they don’t show it.

2)Forgive yourself: We all go through emotional times….so if you make mistakes or if you made mistakes try to learn from them and forgive yourself.

3)Don’t dwell on the wrong. If there are negative things that have been done to you do not go over them over and over in your mind and say “How could they have done this to me!”
As Elsa says “Let it go”

4)Keep moving forward. Keep looking forward. You can’t move forward looking backward. Stop thinking about yesterday and start thinking about today and tomorrow.

5)Remember your value. You are an amazing person. You have wonderful qualities and gifts than no one else does.

6)We all make mistakes…don’t let yours define you.

7) Don't judge others. This is probably the hardest one but don't judge other people for what they did or didn't do or how they did it. We are all doing the best we can.

8)Find something to be grateful for every single day. Even if you have to dig deep to find it try live with a heart of gratitude. It will change you, it will make you appreciate the little things and it will make you stronger.

9)You will get through this. You are strong enough.

10)This is only a chapter of the book it is not the end of your story.

11)When the world is not being kind to you, make an effort to do something kind for someone else.

12) Be an encourager not a discourager and as momma (and Thumper) always said "If you can't say something nice don't say anything at all"


So that’s really the short version of this journey but I do want to share some links with you of my favorite Brave Girl Posts and I hope you will check them out.
Their Soul School Classes are life changing.
It doesn’t matter what you believe or don’t believe, women of all beliefs can embrace the lessons of Brave Girls Club.


You Will Fly Again 
Here is the Youtube video version if you don't like to read:
You Will Fly Again

We Must SeePast What it Seems

One Step Forward Two Steps Back

Since then I have found two new favorites:

This is What Happy People Do

Life Goes on Even if We Don't Feel Like We Can

Here a couple of my favorite Truth Cards I created in Soul Restoration

Nanny Transitions INA Scholarship Information

Here are the guidelines for the Nanny Transitions INA Conference Scholarship.

In order to qualify for the Nanny Transitions INA Conference Scholarship, you must meet the following qualifications.

You must be working as a nanny a minimum of 24 hours a week.                    

(If you are a nanny in transition, looking for a new position, please let us know)

*You must be a member of INA as of February 10, 2015.

You must go to the Nanny Transitions page on Facebook and like the page.
*If we choose your essay and you have not liked the page you will be eliminated.

 * By submitting this essay you are committing to attend the 2015 INA Annual Conference.

INA Board of Directors, conference speakers and workshop presenters, conference sponsors who receive complimentary registration, the 2014 and 2015 INA Nanny of the Year award recipients are not eligible for this prize.

Previous scholarship winners are not eligible.

To Apply:   Submit an essay on one of the following topics:

 1. What would you say to someone if they said "Oh, you babysit for a living?"

2.  What was the most valuable advice anyone ever gave you and how has it impacted you personally and professionally?

 3.  What do you expect to take away from conference this year?

4.  If your present Nanny job ended suddenly and without warning, would you handle it on your own or seek advice and/or help from someone else, and why?

            Your essay must be at minimum 500-1,000 words.    (No more than 1,000 and, no less than 500)

 Do not include information in your essay that would identify you, such as the name of your city. We would like to keep the submissions as anonymous as possible.

       Essay must be submitted between January 26 and February 7, 2015 and will be announced on February 10, 2015.

    Use spell check and count your words.
    Recipient will be chosen by content and presentation of essay.

 There will be 1 Scholarship awarded.
 This scholarship can be used by a new conference attendee
or a previous conference attendee.
 It can NOT be gifted to someone.

 Scholarship recipients will be announced on the Nanny Transitions blog and  Facebook page and notified via phone and/or email on Monday, February 10,  2015.
 You will have 24 hours to respond and if you do not respond, we will choose another recipient.

Essay submissions should be sent to: Nannytransitions@gmail.com

If you have any questions, feel free to email us your questions
before you submit your essay.

nannytransitions@gmail.com

Please note: Nannytransitions email is not monitored by Glenda or Susan during the time of the essay scholarship. Glenda’s trusted and long time friend and colleague, Gael Ann Dow (professional nanny over 25 year) changes the password and graciously monitors the email, removes identifying information from the essays and sends them to our personal email. This keeps the submissions completely anonymous.

               By submitting this essay you are committing to attending the 2015 INA Conference.

INA 30th Annual Conference

April 23-26, 2015
Cancun, Mexico

- See more at

http://www.nanny.org/annual-conference/2015-ina-annual-conference

      You understand that you are responsible for your transportation to and from the conference, your hotel room and any other expenses incurred at the 2014 INA Conference.

     You have the necessary travel documents to travel outside of the USA.

    You have discussed this with your employers and they have agreed to give you the time off to attend the conference.

This scholarships is sponsored by Nanny Transitions and partially funded by a donation from Susan Fordham*
Susan Fordham is one of last years’ scholarship recipients who wanted to pay it forward and Nanny Transitions is so very grateful.

Paying it Forward for 2015 INA Conference

Paying it Forward with an INA Conference Scholarship

By Susan Fordham

MOVING FORWARD

When I made the choice to become a Nanny many years ago, I was very fortunate to find appreciative families who desperately needed my help.  I worked for a Scientist Mom and a Post Graduate Dad for many years, and stayed friends with them long after my Nanny days were over.  Then, as the economy began to worsen, I worked for households where both parents were professionals and were able to leave for work each morning with peace of mind that their prized possessions were being taken care of and loved.

 I moved to the West Coast and found lifestyles to be very different than the East Coast, where I was born and raised.  That meant I had to change my approach and find new ways to “sell” myself.  I advertised in a local paper and a family contacted me from only 4 miles from my home.  Mom was still pregnant and was looking for a “Mother’s Helper”, a few days/week for only a few hours.  I began working for this family when the little boy was 2 weeks old.  I worked 20-25 hours/week and I felt ‘invaluable’ to this Mom. I worked for them for 5 months.  One day, the bottom fell out from under me – she no longer felt she needed me, paid me 6 weeks severance pay and I was gone.  Needless to say, I was devastated.  That’s when I was pointed in the direction of Nanny Transitions, owned by Glenda Propst, and my outlook on life changed!

Nanny Transitions offered me more answers than I had questions for.  Glenda seemed to know the right thing to say to me, at precisely the right time.  She opened up an entirely new venue into the Nanny world, ones that I never knew existed.  One of these new venues was International Nanny Association (INA) and their annual conference.  My finances still suffering from the loss of my job, Glenda informed me that Nanny Transitions sponsored a scholarship contest for new members, which could be won by writing an essay.  I won the contest and my registration was paid for by Marni Kent.  I still remember the day I received the phone call from Glenda – it was like I had won the lottery! 

And at that very moment, my life took a turn and I have not looked back since!

That’s why I decided to “Pay it Forward”

Who does this?  Why do some people feel compelled to do that?  Why am I doing this?  These are some of the questions that people have asked me since I decided to ‘pay it forward’ for the scholarship fund for INA conference.

Marni Kent (THE NANNY MENTOR) chose to pay it forward and that gave me the opportunity to enter the Nanny Transitions Essay contest for an opportunity to attend my first INA conference in Los Angeles in March 2014.
My essay was about what it meant to me to be a Nanny.  Much to my amazement and surprise, I won!  My registration was paid for and I was on my way – on an incredible journey that made such an impact on my life, it’s hard to imagine my life without the people I met and the education I received in one weekend. That conference and that experience has had such an impact on my life that when I realized that I could not attend the INA conference in Cancun in 2015, I decided that I wanted to help make it possible for someone else to go in my place. 

My heart and spirit will be in Cancun, but someone else will take my place physically.  To that person, I want to say…The people you will meet will open their hearts to you and will become your forever friends.  The education you will receive will be immeasurable.  And you will have memories that will last you a lifetime.  Be prepared to take lots of pictures, take lots of notes and be prepared to laugh…A LOT!!  In other words, ENJOY YOURSELF!

It is an honor and a privilege for me to join forces with Nanny Transitions to  provide this scholarship opportunity for someone else.

Details regarding the scholarship will be announced by Nanny Transitions on January 26^th but in the meantime, you can complete 2 scholarship requirements by being sure that you have liked the
Nanny Transitions “Facebook page”And that  your INA membership is current.
Then when the details are announced you will be ready to write your essay and one lucky person will be one step closer to attending INA in Cancun April 23-26, 2015

What a Nanny Would Like on her Last Day with Your Family

I'm sharing this post again today because it's one of my favorites from Nanny Transitions.
Leaving a job is so hard, ending it on a positive note doesn't make the pain go away but it does make it easier to bear.I didn't write this post on my own, some very special nannies shared their hearts.


What a Nanny Would Like on her Last Day with Your Family

by Glenda Propst
(with help from  Keyanna, Kimberly Ann, Laura,and  Tara)

In a perfect world nanny jobs would last forever. A family would hire you when their children were born and would pay any amount of money to keep you until their children were grown.
In a perfect world all of our paychecks would be direct deposit. Every family would use a nanny tax company so that we never have to worry that our taxes are not being paid.
In a perfect world, even if that job ended, there would be a relationship that continued with you and the child for the rest of your lives.
In a perfect world if and when that job did end your employers would sit down with you, tell you how much they appreciated all that you did for their family, give you a glowing letter of recommendation and send you out the door with a sentimental and thoughtful gift to commemorate your years of working with them, and maybe even a nice cash bonus “just because”.
Sounds sort of like a fairy tale, doesn’t it?
As professional nannies there are some things that we know are guaranteed.
Most nanny jobs last 2-7 years, depending on whether or not there is more than one child in the family.
When we work for dual career families and one or both of them land their dream job it’s usually in another state and most of the time the nanny does not get to move with the family.
If a family begins to have financial issues we are the first thing to go.
We fall in love with the children in our care. We know that they are not our own. We know that they have parents that love them. We know that we are part of a parenting team, but we can not change their diapers, prepare their meals, clean their clothes, kiss their boo boos,and cheer them on through each developmental stage of their life, without falling in love with them.
Our job is demanding, unpredictable and often emotional.
Parents often wonder what they should do for their nanny who is leaving, or nannies who are leaving a family wonder what they should do with the children in their care on their last day.
I asked nannies who are in the process of leaving their job what their ideal last day would be like and to share with us what they wish their employers understood about their leaving. Here are some of their responses:

I would like for my last day to be all about spending time with the children. I would like a day stress free of errands and laundry and just time to focus on time with the children and making a few great memories.
I would like for my employers to look me in the eye, and say goodbye and let me know how much they appreciated me.
I would like to hear them say the words “We are really going to miss you!”
I would like the opportunity to tell them “Thank You!” for sharing your children with me, allowing me the opportunity to do what I love, the job that I am MEANT to do” Love and Care for children.

I wish the parents would talk about it with me instead of acting like it isn’t happening.
I’d like for them to ask me how my job hunt is going. Remind me that it’s not personal so that it doesn’t feel so personal.
I want the parents to reassure me that I will still be able to be a part of their children’s lives.
I wish they realized how much I love their children and the contribution I have made to their lives.
I would love a sappy heartfelt card expressing their appreciation for what I have given to their family.
I want my employers to realize that this is more than just a job for me, being part of their lives was a huge part of my life.
I wish my employers understood that my relationship with their children is not the same as theirs. Their children are losing an important person in their lives.  As a nanny, I can never replace a parent (nor would I ever want to) but honor and respect that I was important to their child so that we can all help each other through this.
Please don’t shut me out of your life. If your children ask about me, let them talk to me. Let me see them, let me have visits with them. While my pain is so fresh, please include me in their lives. You might miss my help, but they miss what I gave to them on a daily basis.
If I choose to leave, don’t take it as personal insult.
Please don’t use your child to get back at me because in the end, the person who gets hurt the most isn’t me, it’s your child.
Honor the relationship I have built with your child.
Validate the contribution that I have made to your life and to lives of your children.
Talk to me about what our relationship will be like after I leave your employment. Will I be allowed to see the children? Will you ask me to take care of the kids on weekends sometimes? Will our relationship change? Or will it simply end?
If you are a nanny “in transition” you probably echo these sentiments. If you are a parent who is losing a nanny, I hope that this article helps answer some of your questions about your nanny’s last days with your family.

I want to thank a very special group of women who are sharing the ups and downs of this loss and supporting each other throughout their transition. Special thanks to Keyanna, Kimberly Ann, Laura,and  Tara for your contributions to this article. If you are a nanny in transition and need support, email Nannytransitions(at)Gmail(dot)com

Is There a Right Way to Give Notice?

Whether a nanny works at a job full time or part time, whether she stays a year or 10 years, when the time comes for whatever reason, for her to move on, it is seldom an easy goodbye.
I don’t know the statistics I just know my experience in talking to other nannies that goodbye is such a hard thing to say.
It seems that no matter how hard we plan, no matter how we try to figure out the right way to do it, it is just so difficult.
I have talked a lot about how hard it is for nannies to be told that their job is ending but today I want to talk about nannies who choose to leave.
Sometimes nannies choose to leave because the children have grown beyond their level of expertise, sometimes they leave because they feel they have a different parenting philosophy, sometimes they make a career change, or their spouse gets transferred or they get a better job offer….there are lots of reasons nannies make the decision to leave.
More often than not the reason doesn’t matter. When a nanny leaves a family the parents usually feel rejected. Once the parents feel rejected a host of other emotions take hold and even in the best working relationship a good nanny employer relationship goes downhill very quickly.
So is there a good way to tell your nanny family you are leaving your job?
Most nannies out of a sense of loyalty to their employers and knowing how much their employers count on them try to give their employers as much notice as possible, but oftentimes it backfires.
A nanny decides to leave her job for whatever reason and she goes to her employer and gives them 6 weeks notice. The nanny does this because she wants to help the parents with the transition to a new caregiver. In a perfect world the nanny and the parent sit down and talk about how they might go about finding a new caregiver. The nanny might offer ideas, suggestions, agency names or even names of other nannies that might be available and together they come up with a plan. The nanny might suggest that they bring the new caregiver in for a 1 or 2 week part time overlap so that they can transition together.
The parents thank the nanny for her honesty and her help and tell her they will write her a beautiful letter of reference and work as a team to make the transition as smooth as possible. They might even say something like “We hope you will still be part of little Susie’s life and come back and visit and maybe even babysit on occasion”
I said a perfect world, right?
Well unfortunately we don’t live in a perfect world and when a nanny tells her employers that she is leaving, the parents hear one thing. No matter what you say the parents hear “I have decided that I no longer want to be part of your child’s life” The parents feel rejected. They feel that you have rejected them and their child and this elicits some very strong emotions. Rejection can trigger pain from other times of being rejected, even if you try not to feel hurt or angry, rejection triggers some very deep emotions. The first thing the parents do when they feel these deep emotions are to go in protective mode for their child. More often than not their reaction is not rational. Their reaction is to get you away from their child as quickly as possible so that you can’t inflict anymore pain.
At a time when you might be expecting an employer to thank you for helping care for their children, you instead find yourself unemployed…and even though unemployment laws differ from state to state, usually once you give notice, you have quit so you are not eligible for unemployment benefits and chances are that the parents will challenge it.
So….what’s a nanny to do?
The very best protection you can have in your job is to never work without a work agreement. A work agreement that very clearly defines the protocol for giving notice by either party. A work agreement may or may not hold up in a court of law but it is a trust agreement between two parties that states “This is what we agree to do”
In your work agreement a fair notice is anywhere from 2-6 weeks but the work agreement should state what happens if either party doesn’t give the proper notice. You may also think about a clause that states if the nanny or family find job/care in that time, nanny will be paid for the duration of her agreement.  You may also want to agree upon a severance agreement if you have been with the family long term. When you are terminated for cause, severance is not usually paid.  For more details on work agreements I suggest you go Regarding Nannies.com and read their series by Kellie Geres : Anatomy of a Work Agreement

Other things that a nanny can do is to ask for a yearly review and ask her employers for a written evaluation that she can keep in her portfolio.
The best thing that you can do is to keep the lines of communication open with your employers. Always have your resume up to date, some money in the bank and a back up plan especially if you know that you will be giving notice on your job.
Just know that goodbyes are never easy, especially when they are initiated by you.When giving notice on your job ends in a negative way, there is only so much you can do. You can try to make your employer understand that this is not personal, but they are not usually in an understanding frame of mind.
As always the best thing you can do is stay on the high road. Don’t badmouth your former employers in job interviews or on message boards and don’t let it stop you from being happy about the positive changes that are coming in your future.