Moving Through Sadness and Grief

By Marni Kent

Sadness…from time to time, days, weeks or months can feel hopeless and without relief. This can come in many forms, loss of a job, relationship, friend or even a longtime pet. During these challenging times, it may seem as life cannot go on, or at least not in the manner you are accustomed to.  Grieving is a struggle that should be expected during these unfortunate times. As difficult as it may be at times, try and view this time as an opportunity for new and exciting challenges.

Life as you once knew it may not be the same, but change is good, embrace it. Opinions vary a lot on this subject, but one consistency always evident, grieving is a process regardless of the life changing event. Some will take longer than others to overcome, but with your will and perseverance you will find your way once again. When you do, you can move forward and on.

The process grieving itself is many times only associated with death or the dying. This could not be further from the truth. People define themselves in different ways, their job, a relationship, their family. All of this is normal. We are from childhood to death a product of our environments, not just one environment, but many as we age. The discourse of how best to cope with the loss is as individual as the opinions about the subject. What is suggested in a text book or from a so called expert may simply not work for you. Grieving will take a predictable pattern, but you have to be willing to let it run it’s course.

Denial and/or refusal to accept your circumstances typically will be your initial challenge. Take a breath, see the loss for what it is and let the aforementioned process begin.

Your anger over what transpired will be ever present. Like sadness, angst is a powerful emotion with explosive tendencies. It’s an impressive sight watching an adult allow their emotions get the best of them. Actually, it can be a very frightening event, anger is normal, but control it, don’t let it control you.

Pleading or bargaining, this stage is or can be frustrating.  You ask, why not me, why her/him. You are trying to get an answer to something there may not be an answer for, remember your dealing with the human kind, sometimes there is no right or wrong answer to this question.

The guilt associated with loss is normal. Feeling guilty for the said, the unsaid, in-action is typical. It is a normal aspect of the grieving process.

Acceptance, there comes a time when reality will set in that there is nothing you can say or do to regain or remedy the life altering events. It is part of life, it’s up to you to accept your new circumstances so you can move forward.

Your will to move forward depends on your drive to be happy again. Some people may never attain the stage of having hope and willingness to be happy again. There is no shame or dishonor in feeling happy again after someone has passed. Achieving this stage of the process can be difficult, but given time and your determination it will be upon you before you know it. During this especially challenging time, be focused on other very important personal things, your health, diet, re-establishing family ties, reflecting on your career goals, and be clear about what really makes you happy.

Lastly, always remember, there are great numbers of very successful people that have experienced significant failures. But instead of wallowing in their failures, they picked themselves up, dusted themselves off and use the failure as opportunity and lesson of how to be stronger and more successful than they originally were striving for. When you overcome difficult times, you become stronger, more disciplined and driven. With all these new found personal attributes, you will need to find balance. Use your wisdom and experience to achieve it. Remember, life is about decisions, as time goes, we become these decisions.     

   

    Marni Kent has been a professional nanny for almost 27 years. She has cared for children of all ages, and was the International Nanny Association Nanny of the Year in 2002

How My Professional Nanny Connections Helped Me through a Difficult Time In My Career

by Cynthia Augustine 

The nanny agency that I currently work with (Family Helpers) has helped me through many hard times over the years that I have worked with them.  Before I began working with my current agency, I was working for a family in the state where I grew up.  All of my friends and family lived there too.  The family I was working for got transferred to the other side of the US and asked me to go with them to continue working as their nanny.  I found myself in a state far from home, where I knew no one.  I continued to work for them for the next three years.  Three years later, the wife got transferred again, so I decided not to move with them to yet another new state and so, my job ended.  I had a very small circle of friends because as a nanny, I had worked many hours every week, which left me very little time to socialize.

I found myself looking for a new job, but because I was in an area I was still not too familiar with, I needed help.  I investigated several agencies, some of which I applied to.  When I met the people at the agency I currently use, I knew it was a good fit.  Finding Family Helpers has become a life line for me.  I could tell that they would be honest with me and help me to find the right job.  I got a job through them quickly, and soon I was back on my feet.  They have been there for me ever since.

The jobs I have gotten through them over the last few years have been very different from one another.  But, each job has been great and I have been challenged and have become a better nanny.  A good example is the first job they placed me in.  It was with a family where the mother had terminal cancer.  I had to go into work being happy and not let my emotional stress show.  Whenever I needed help, advice or support, I would call Family Helpers  and they always helped me figure out the best way to approach the situation.

The agency I work with is more than a name, they really are like family.  I have been working with them for the last five years.  It takes the stress away, knowing I have a good group of people standing behind me, ready to help me find a new job, or just listen to what’s going on.  They are always there when I have a question.  I call them family because they don’t just place me, collect their fee and move on.  They check on me to make sure everything is going well.  They help me if there is a problem and share in my accomplishments.  I know that if I ever need them, they are just a phone call away!

Advice to a New Live-in Nanny

INA Scholarship Essay Submission

Advice to a New Live-in Nanny by Rachel Massengil

When looking for a position it can be very helpful to find a good agency that is going to work with you to find a family whom you best fit.  If you are going to look on your own make sure to know what you want to do in a position.  You will run into families that will load you down with “light housekeeping”, make sure to have everything defined.  Having your hours defined is very important when you live-in.  The norm is to be salaried for X amount of hours per week and then a certain hourly pay for anything over that.  I accepted a position once where the hours were not defined and I ended up working 60+ hours per week, which ended up being below minimum wage per hour.  I trusted the family when they said the hours would fluctuate and even out in the end, especially because I had just finished a position with a wonderful family.

Have a trial period with a family where you both have the chance to see how you fit together.  With a live-out job you can leave at the end of the day and not have to spend much time with the parents, vs. when you live-in you may feel confined to your space if you are not comfortable with the family.  Personalities will play a big role.

Speak with a family in advance to see if they would include paid time off for professional development through wonderful associations like INA (International Nanny Association) and NAEYC (National Association for the Education of Young Children).  They are great resources and very helpful for networking.

Finding other nannies in your area to connect with is very helpful.  You can contact INA to see if there are any Nanny Groups in your area, or nannies.  This helped me so much when I started my first position.  I found an online nanny support group where I could bring up different work related questions.  The family also worked to get me connected with another great live-in nanny, who worked with a family they knew.  I was in a new area and this nanny did a great job helping me learn the area and provide support when issues came up.

Lastly, enjoy being a nanny!  It is wonderful.  You get to work personally with these children and watch them grow.  Give your best each day.  Have a great adventure!

Practical Advice for a New Nanny

INA Essay Submission 

Practical Advice for a New Nanny : by Amy Marie

I have been a nanny for about four years, so in a way I am still a new nanny, but I have learned quite a bit in those four years and am looking forward to continuing my career and growing as a professional nanny. When I think back to when I was looking for my first nanny job, I made a lot of mistakes professionally.  If I could offer advice to a new nanny just starting out, it would be practical advice. I would say get a contract, get as much training as you can, and pay your taxes.

A contract sets you apart from a “babysitter” and helps you and your new employers come to the same page about every detail of your position. A contract should include your hours, rate of pay, and a list of your exact responsibilities. It should also include emergency procedures, rules on driving, television, etc.  Some nannies have paid time off, insurance payments, a minimum pay, or extras, such as your employers covering some of all of your expenses for attending the INA conference.  Anything that you agree to verbally should be in the contract.

When you are just starting out, you may not have much experience. I learned that if you don’t have years of experience, you can often make up for it in training. Taking different childcare related classes not only teaches important skills that you will need for work as a nanny, but it shows potential employers that you are putting forth an effort to be the best that you can be. All nannies should be CPR and First aid certified for infants and children. Other courses you can take are water safety, parenting classes, and Early Childhood Education classes from a local college. It’s also a good idea to take the INA skills exam. It will give you a chance to test your knowledge, and it is a way for you to show parents that you are educated in the health and safety of children.

It is extremely important to pay your taxes. Yes, it means smaller paychecks, but there are many benefits to getting paid the legal way. The IRS can audit you and the family, and you will both be hit with back taxes and penalties. Paying taxes also enables you to prove income, so when you are applying for a car loan, or an apartment, you will have paystubs and W-2s to provide. Lastly, paying your taxes makes you eligible for unemployment if you are laid off. All nanny positions eventually come to an end, and having unemployment as a safety net until you can find your next long term position is incredibly valuable. You can figure out the taxes on your own, but many nannies, including myself, use a payroll service, which makes the process easy and less stressful for you and your employers.

Most importantly, congratulations on your wonderful career choice and good luck!

INA ESSAY :My Advice to a New Nanny

INA Essay Submission: By Deirdre Bellows

My Advice to a New Nanny

I think the most important thing for anyone thinking of becoming a nanny is that you know yourself and that you stay true to yourself.  You don’t become a nanny to make money or to gain fame.  If you come into this career thinking that you’ll make a lot of money being a “babysitter” or that you’ll become friends with famous people,  you will burn out fast.  You become a nanny because you have a natural love for children and because you know the value of raising a compassionate and confident child.  You have to be able to give selflessly for the best of the child.  You need to be alright with small achievements and, possibly, no recognition.  Smiles, hugs and a child’s success have to be enough of a reward for you.

The other aspect of knowing yourself and staying true to yourself is that this will be of immense help to you in finding the right job.  For me, I need to work for a family who sees me as an integral part of their family.  We need to work together as a team and they need to respect and appreciate my experience and expertise.  I can be a live-out or a live-in nanny, but I need my own space.  I could have accepted higher paying jobs, but I wasn’t willing to compromise my basic needs in order to make more money.  I know that I can’t share a bedroom with my charge(s).  And, I know that I’m not very good at being seen and not heard.  You need to know yourself well enough to know what you can and cannot compromise on to be the best nanny that you can be.

Being a career, professional nanny has definitely helped me to know myself better.  I take this self-knowledge into every interview to insure that I don’t compromise in areas that are important to me.  This has made finding the perfect fitting job much easier.  In many ways finding the perfect job for you is like finding the perfect person to share your life with.  There are things that you are and are not willing to compromise on in a relationship.  You don’t want to lose yourself in a relationship and  you don’t want to lose yourself in your job.  Being in a bad job is like being in a bad marriage.  Both are very difficult to get out of and both can eat away at your confidence and your sense of self. 

Know yourself so that you never lose yourself and so that you can be your best for a child who deserves nothing less.

INA Essay Submission

Here is another one of the wonderful essays that was submitted by Heather McKinley for the INA Scholarship.

As a nanny we don’t know how long our job is going to last.  Our personal lives – and those of the family we work for – can change very quickly.  When I took a nanny position in late 2009, I thought I would be with the family for many years. They were planning on expanding their family and told me they wanted to keep me until all the kids were in school.  On my birthday in 2011 my family announced the coming arrival of their 3^rd child.  My joy at having a new baby to care for quickly turned to fear, when the Mother told me she may become a stay-at-home mom.  I was crushed, but knew I had till November to find out what my future held.

                By the end of June the family had decided they were building a new house, and the Mother was going to become a stay-at-home mom in August.  I was scared; I only had a month to find a job and school was approaching with prospects dwindling.  I had already been looking in the job market, but opportunities had not come easily because I was not available until August.

                With August fast approaching I turned to my local Nanny group(CincyNanny) for help in trying to find a new position.  I had several interviews with the help of this group, but nothing had panned out.  With two weeks until I would be saying goodbye to the boys I had fallen in love with, I received a job offer.  But there was a catch - they needed me to start immediately.  I didn’t feel it was fair to my current family since I already had agreed on a date to leave.  I spoke to the head of my local nanny group about the best way to approach this, since it was my only offer (and I couldn’t afford to go long without having a job.)  She helped me figure out how to explain my situation and let them know if they truly wanted me they would need to figure out two weeks of childcare. 

                I received a phone call a week later thanking me, and they informed me that they went with another candidate.  They told me that they really respected my commitment to my current family, and had it not been for the situation they were in they would have hired me.  They also said they would hold onto my name in case anyone they knew was looking for a nanny.  Within the week I received an email from them asking if another family could contact me and set up an interview.  Four days later I had the job where I am still happily employed.

                I am grateful for the power of networking and the advice of my “co-workers”. Had it not been for their encouragement, advice, and connections, I am not sure if I would have found a job and been able to continue my career as a nanny. I am truly blessed.

Nanny Transitions Scholarship Recipient

We had 6 wonderful entries in the Nanny Transitions Essay Scholarship. They were all well written and heartfelt. It was very difficult to make a decision. In the end , Carli Lintenmuth of Michigan was the recipient of the INA Scholarship and we look forward to meeting her in Louisville in April. This will be Carli's first time to attend INA.

Today I will be sharing Carli's essay with you but over the course of the next couple weeks I will share some of the other essays as well.

Sixteen years ago, when I was just beginning my career as a professional nanny, I had a chance meeting with a woman who is a very dear friend to this day. She shared with me all that she had learned over the course of her career. Knowing that nothing is more valuable than the wisdom one nanny can share with another, for the Nanny Transitions essay, I’ve chosen to write about a few of the ways I would advise a new nanny. 

     First, a professional nanny is an educated nanny. Beyond the basics of refreshing our First Aid and CPR skills, we always need to be evolving to meet the needs of our charges. As they mature, we need to be ready with new challenges to stimulate their physical, mental, and emotional growth. Many libraries offer workshops, there are often online webinars, and even reading books and discussing topics with other nannies will help you gain knowledge.

     Next, it's important to find other nannies. No one but another nanny will understand the extent of your job and the closeness of being a member of someone else's family. There will be times when you need a safe place to vent, and times when you need help with delicate situations. While there are many avenues for advice about children, no one but another nanny will be able to help you with the relationship nuances between a nanny and her employers. You should seek out any local nanny groups, and if there isn't one, start your own! You should also seek out nannies on a national level to deepen your perspective. National organizations such as INA, or Facebook groups such as Worldwide Nannies and Nanny Care Tribe will put you in touch with nannies from all over the world.  

     Last but not least, every professional nanny needs a signed work agreement in place before she begins any position. More important than the piece of paper you sign, is the time spent sitting down with your new employers discussing the details of your position. There is much more to being a nanny than rocking a baby all day. It’s critical for you to know exactly what is expected of you, and it’s just as critical for your employers to know what you expect of them. As time passes, often the lines of professionalism blur into friendship with your employers. Having a signed work agreement lessens the discomfort of needing to address an issue with them in a professional manor.

     I can honestly say that meeting Susan Schmidt was a life-changing event for me. What started as a babysitting job has blossomed a 16-year (and counting!) career. I know firsthand the importance of being taken under someone’s wing, and now as the more seasoned nanny myself, its time for me to step out of my comfort zone and mentor others as Susan was a mentor to me.